Yesterday, we learned that some denominations are considering making 45 the age cut-off for ordination. Since I haven’t seen 45 for a few years and am much closer to many higher numbers (that will remain unmentioned), today’s Midweek Monkery features some smiles and laughs I’ve had lately with regard to the subject of getting older.

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Jack Benny didn’t set his sights low enough

I get to serve some of the most delightful people in the world. The other day I was visiting a man who was enjoying his 95th birthday. Reminding him of Jack Benny’s famous “stuck on 39″ schtick, I asked him, “So how old are you, Frank? 39?” He paused and thought for a moment, smiled, and said, “36!”

Great Grandma Grace

My great grandmother lived to a wonderful old age — 103. Her name was Grace and her life embodied that virtue. When our children were little, we used to take the drive over to St. Joseph, Michigan every year to celebrate her birthday with her — on Halloween. They loved to go see “Grandma Great Great,” as they called her. One time, I think it was when she was 98 years old, we took her out to a restaurant that would give you the number of your age as a percentage off your meal bill. The young waitress stuttered and stumbled a bit when we told her Grandma was 98. All she could think of to do was to follow normal procedure, which was to ask the birthday person to produce a driver’s license! I’m actually not sure my great grandma had ever driven a car, but we had a good laugh and asked the waitress if she thought she could trust the little lady (well under 5 feet tall) with the pure white hair that she was telling the truth. Of course, she did.

This one’s for Matthew B. Redmond:

One of my favorite stories in recent days is the piece out of Texas about the 105 year old woman who was asked the secret to her long life. The answer should have been obvious: “Bacon,” she said. “I eat bacon every day.”

Her delightful interview caught the attention of one of America’s premier bacon producers, and they decided to give her a gift. Here’s the news report:

Almost…

When the famous fitness guru Jack LaLanne turned 93, an interviewer asked him how he felt. ”I feel great,” he said. “I have sex almost every day. Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday . . . ”

Larry Miller’s unique take on the aging process

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.”How old are you?”  ”I’m four and a half!”  You’re never thirty-six and a half.  You’re four and a half, going on five!  That’s the key.

You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back.  You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. “How old are you?”  ”I’m gonna be 16!” You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . You become 21. Yessss!!!

But then you turn 30.  Oooohh, what happened there?  Makes you sound like bad milk! He turned; we had to throw him out.  There’s no fun now, you’re just a sour-dumpling.  What’s wrong?  What’s changed?

You become 21, you turn 30, then you’re pushing 40.  Whoa!  Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you reach 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!!  You make it to 60.  You didn’t think you would!

So you become 21, turn 30, push 40, reach 50 and make it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you hit 70!

After that it’s a day-by-day thing; in the middle of the week you finally hit Wednesday!

You get in to your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you hit lunch; it turns 4:30; you reach bedtime.  And it doesn’t end there.  Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I was just 92.”

Then a strange thing happens.  If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.  “I’m 104 and a half!”

Age Has Its Advantages

Journalists were interviewing Molly Holderness, a 103-year-old woman, ‘Tell us, Mrs Holderness, what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.

Molly smiled and simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

People My Age…

Finally, a song from one of my favorite singer-songwriters, John Gorka. And while you’re watching, listen carefully, all you folks from Pennsylvania and New Jersey, and make sure you watch your diet. You don’t want to get on the road to lookin’ gross.

Some days more than others, and for various reasons, I’m glad I’m not a Methodist anymore. No, seriously, the trend this article from CT’s Live Blog reports is happening in many church bodies and denominations. I wonder what you think of it.

As for me, I’m all for young pastors — after all, I was one for many years — but is this wise? When you consider longer life spans, healthier living, and the advantages of having people with experience and wisdom in leadership positions, why would a church body ponder a decision like this?

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Methodists May Discourage Those Over 45 from Becoming Pastors
by Melissa Steffan

Link: http://blog.christianitytoday.com/ctliveblog/archives/2013/05/methodists_may.html

The overall average age of retirement is creeping slowly upward, but one regional United Methodist conference is promoting changes that would limit ordination opportunities for anyone over the age of 45.

The Texas Conference of the United Methodist Church (UMC) has proposed new guidelines for candidates entering ministry. The guidelines encourage those over the age of 45 to “to pursue other expressions of lay ministry,” and they aim to recruit younger clergy.

According to the UMC, “The Rev. Carol Bruse, the chair of the conference’s 70-member board of ordained ministry, said the aim of the proposed standards is to help the conference plan for future needs. The policy would not affect current clergy or clergy candidates in the Texas Conference.”

But the UMC also acknowledges that ordination is a lengthy process. As a result, “elders 35 or older made up more than 94 percent of all provisional and ordained elders [in 2012], and 53 percent of all elders were age 55 or older.”

Some critics of the proposal have called it “outright ageism,” and others say the emphasis on younger leaders could misinterpret the mission of the church.

Comprised of nearly 285,000 members, the Texas Conference is one of the largest UMC conferences in the U.S., and it could be an influential leader among other conferences when it comes to lowering the average age of clergy. In any case, the conference does not plan to make its final decision on the proposal until October.

O God our refuge and strength our present help in time of trouble, surround all who are affected by the devastating tornado in Moore, Oklahoma with your care; through Jesus Christ, our Savior and Lord. Amen. (ELCA prayer)

Here is the American Red Cross Statement on Oklahoma Tornado. Follow the link to find out how to donate.

Central Indiana Weather forecast for May 20, 2013

Warm, sticky, and breezy. High temperature of 87°. Humidity 64%. Intervals of clouds and sun; chance of rain 10%.

Back in the Saddle Again

Yesterday, I got an early start on my summer of leading worship in our home church. Our pastor and his family had a family need they had to attend to, so he called me Friday evening and asked if I could officiate and preach on Sunday. In addition, it was Music Sunday, the annual conclusion of the official choir season. My wife Gail is the substitute pianist, and so she was asked to play for the services and the choral anthems without having had much opportunity to practice. (I would rather be asked to do what I did than what she had to do.)

It was also the weekend of our Open House to celebrate our son’s graduation, and so we were involved in activities from Thursday to Saturday, getting things ready, welcoming family who came into town, and holding the gathering. Needless to say, it was a packed weekend, and our heads are still reeling from all the activity.

Despite a few frustrations natural to the last minute situation, we had a wonderfully encouraging morning with the congregation. It was Pentecost Sunday, and I preached on the Gospel text: John 14:8-17, 25-27. The two points I saw from Jesus’ words that I applied to our lives were:

• Because of the Holy Spirit, Jesus is closer to us than he ever has been.
• Because of the Holy Spirit, we get to participate in God’s work in a new and greater fashion.

The text focuses on God’s work — and Jesus’ promise that it will not cease or be hindered by his “going away,” but will, in fact be enhanced because of his death, burial, resurrection, and ascension to the Father’s right hand. This permits the outpouring of the Spirit and the prospect of working under the auspices of the inaugurated Kingdom, with Jesus on the throne.

It also emphasizes Jesus’ presence — though he is departing physically, the Helper that they have known because he has been with them, filling and empowering Jesus, will come to dwell within them. Jesus will be closer to his friends than ever before. This is the peace he gives us.

I illustrated this by outlining what it is like to live each day in the good works that “God has prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them” (Eph. 2:10). I told the story of what happened last weekend, when God went before us and helped in the midst of our car troubles. We felt as though the Spirit had carried us. It certainly didn’t have anything to do with our planning or wisdom.

Pentecost means that Jesus is with us on every “ordinary day” and we have the privilege of participating in the works of God that he prepares for us.

An Incisive Analysis of “The New Legalism”

I read a good analysis of the current “radical” and “missional” emphasis by Anthony Bradley at the Acton Institute Power Blog, which focuses on what this is doing to many in the so-called “Millennial” generation.

For too many Millennials their greatest fear in this life is being an ordinary person with a non-glamorous job, living in the suburbs, and having nothing spectacular to boast about.

I found one of his observations most helpful. Bradley notes how the push for “missional” Christians and churches came to the fore at the same time that culture was experiencing what some have called the “narcissism epidemic.”

A few decades ago, an entire generation of Baby Boomers walked away from traditional churches to escape the legalistic moralism of “being good” but what their Millennial children received in exchange, in an individualistic American Christian culture, was shame-driven pressure to be awesome and extraordinary young adults expected to tangibly make a difference in the world immediately.

If Anthony Bradley is correct, it appears that we may have turned the truly “radical” and “missional” nature of Jesus’ Kingdom message on its head. Rather than losing our lives in the Gospel, we have found yet another (religious) way to try and save them.

If you see someone with his head stuck inside a book, it’s probably me…

A couple of Christmases ago, I received a copy of Laura Hillenbrand’s book, Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption. Every time I’ve started reading it, something interrupted and I reluctantly set it aside, hoping to pick up again soon.

The last week I finally decided to make a serious effort. The little I had read was so intriguing and such a compelling story that I knew once I had reached a certain point I would be sucked in and unable to stop reading. And so it has come to pass.

Watch for a review some time soon.

Decision Time

I had a conversation with Jeff, my illustrious blog partner, last week. This followed several conversations I have had lately with my wife and others about the crazy schedule we’ve been keeping — you know, the one that is about to get a lot crazier. These were the result of lots of conversations I’ve had within my own head and with my heavenly Father.

And so it has been decided.

I, Chaplain Mike, will take a break from the everyday duty of writing here on Internet Monk, at least for a few months while I fulfill some additional pastoral responsibilities. I won’t be completely absent — you folks are not going to get off that easy — but will contribute posts on Mondays and Thursdays. This will allow some other folks to participate, and I will add a bit of needed space and time to my life.

The new schedule will begin in June, and you will hear more about it in days to come.

St. Peter Preaching in the Presence of St. Mark (detail), Fra Angelico

In sacramental traditions, the concept of preaching, and even the corporate reading of Scripture, is different than in revivalist traditions. It is about God literally acting through the spoken word.

I know pastors who don’t think, for example, that the lectionary readings should even be printed in the bulletin. The words presented in worship are not given to be read by individual worshipers, but to be heard together by the congregation. The word spoken is the living word of God, and there is something special and sacred about the act of listening to God speak. There is also something special about being gathered with God’s family to be addressed by God and to be together as a people under his word.

Of course, holding this theology doesn’t mean it always translates into practice. But understanding the preaching moment as being of the same piece as the rest of the liturgy, in my opinion, has advantages over other views which see preaching in its essence as rhetoric, apologetics, persuasion, or teaching. Such conceptions highlight the skills of the person in the pulpit and the techniques employed, whereas a more sacramental view highlights God’s action through human speech (no matter how weak or flawed the human speaker).

John Frye, in his weekly “Shepherd’s Nook” post at Jesus Creed, has summarized this sacramental theology of preaching nicely:

John Frye on Sacramental Preaching

Preaching, in some traditions, is a sacrament or comparable to a sacrament. Low church evangelicalism will have to ponder this. What it means is: preaching is more about what God does, than what the preacher and congregation do. Preaching is a holy event when the preacher and the preached to encounter the living God together. The aim of preaching is community-encounter with the living, eyes-blazing Christ Who walks in the community’s ordinary, particular midst. Revelation chapters 2-3 are not just about the living Christ showing up a long time ago to seven churches in Asia Minor. The glorified Jesus, as Lord of his church, still walks around in the midst of local gatherings.

In preaching as sacrament, the aim is the application. Encounter God. Preaching as biblical information-giving with premeditated applications is too weak for such a cogent and holy aim. To be informed by the Bible about God is not the same as to be encountered by the God of the Bible. We preach to encounter God together, not to create a set of preferred human behaviors. Encounter with God in Christ carries its own energies to shape and direct human lives. We preach for corporate encounter with God, believing that encounter will provoke numerous discussions about how we together can live missionally in light of the encounter. Paul suggested even unbelievers and unconvinced will confess an encounter with God (1 Corinthians 14:25) when the church gathers. I do not think I have to unpack Peter’s paradigmatic sermon at Pentecost (Acts 2) to support what I am writing here. Peter, so perceptive of his particular context, announced an act of God in Christ and the announcement was so profound the congregation asked him, “What must we do?!”  Authentic kingdom of God gospel announcement (preaching) evokes startling and diverse questions about how we go about adjusting our lives to Jesus as Lord.

Tax day has come and gone for 2013, but that doesn’t mean the IRS isn’t still up to some hilarious mischief. It seems they might, just might, have spent a wee bit too much time scrutinizing certain conservative groups who sought non-profit status. Of course it had nothing to do with politics, did it? Franklin Graham says the IRS came with guns a-blazin’ for his Samaritan’s Purse charity. And of course he didn’t use that for personal gain or advantage, did he? (Do you ever get the idea Franklin would push aside little old ladies to get a few seconds in front of a TV camera?)

It is a bit disturbing to learn that the IRS asked at least one conservative group to detail the contents of their prayers. Am I the only one who thinks that is just a bit creepy?

Meanwhile, Pope Francis has decried our culture of money. I think he really does mean for the Catholic Church to take care of the poor. Did I mention I really, really like what this pope is saying? Good thing the IRS doesn’t have a branch office at the Vatican. When was the last time you heard a sermon about how the love of money is the root of all evil? Discuss. Right now.

Jonathan Merritt suggests that Mark Driscoll just might be the new Pat Robertson. Oh goodie. As if we really need another Pat Robertson. What is wrong with the one we have now? Well, other than the fact that he just okayed adultery for men. Sigh. Did I mention that I really, really, really like Pope Francis? No? Well, I do.

Finally, in celebration of George Lucas’s birthday this last week, I thought it might be interesting to look at this article comparing Star Trek with Star Wars. Which one are you? Or is it possible to be a Trekkie as well as a Wookie? Which is a greater power, The Force or Mr. Spock’s mind-melding abilities?

Others who celebrated the anniversary of their birth this last week include Irving Berlin; Salvador Dali; Foster Brooks; Phil Silvers; Eric Burden; Butch Trucks; Katherine Hepburn; Steve Winwood; Kix Brooks; George Karl; Joe Louis; Mary Wells; Stevie Wonder; Jack Bruce; David Byrne; Brian Eno; Henry Fonda; George Brett; Dennis Hopper; and Taj Mahal.

Remember David Bowie’s Space Oddity, the story of an astronaut named Major Tom? Here is a killer version sung by … a real live astronaut. While orbiting the earth in the International Space Station. Which is better, Bowie’s or Chris Hadfield’s? Enjoy. That’s an order.

The other day I was thinking that it would make a good discussion topic here at Internet Monk if we examined a “soterian” Gospel presentation (the link will take you to Scot McKnight’s post defining and critiquing this kind of Gospel) and then threw out a few questions, such as:

• Does the N.T. ever show anyone “sharing the Gospel” in a way that is comparable to this?

• Does the N.T. ever encourage Christians to “share the Gospel” in a manner that is comparable to this?

• What, if anything, is missing from this “Gospel” presentation?

• Is there anything misleading about this “Gospel” presentation?

• What do you affirm about this “Gospel” presentation?

Whenever I have a discussion like this, I recall something D.L. Moody once said when someone criticized him for the way he engaged in personal evangelism. He said, “Well, I like the way I share the Gospel better than the way you don’t.”

In other words, if you have problems with this way of “sharing the Gospel,” what would you suggest that we who are called to proclaim the Gospel should say in its place?

¹² When Adam sinned, sin entered the world. Adam’s sin brought death, so death spread to everyone, for everyone sinned. ¹³ Yes, people sinned even before the law was given. But it was not counted as sin because there was not yet any law to break. ¹⁴ Still, everyone died—from the time of Adam to the time of Moses—even those who did not disobey an explicit commandment of God, as Adam did. Now Adam is a symbol, a representation of Christ, who was yet to come. ¹⁵ But there is a great difference between Adam’s sin and God’s gracious gift. For the sin of this one man, Adam, brought death to many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of forgiveness to many through this other man, Jesus Christ. ¹⁶ And the result of God’s gracious gift is very different from the result of that one man’s sin. For Adam’s sin led to condemnation, but God’s free gift leads to our being made right with God, even though we are guilty of many sins. ¹⁷ For the sin of this one man, Adam, caused death to rule over many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of righteousness, for all who receive it will live in triumph over sin and death through this one man, Jesus Christ. (Romans 5:12-17, NLT)

For someone who lived 3,000,000 years ago, or 6,000 years ago, or never, Adam sure is stirring up a lot of dust. Of course, that’s what he was made of, if he was made at all.

Scott Lencke, faithful iMonk and pastor in Brussels, Belgium, brought to my attention a recent article dealing with the importance of a “real” Adam. J.R. Daniel Kirk, a professor at Fuller Theologial Seminary, recently wrote with this thesis in mind: To what extent do we need to affirm a historical Adam in order also to affirm the saving dynamics of Paul’s Adam Christology?  It is well worth reading the whole thing here. Kirk writes,

One of the first questions worth confronting is whether this passage allows for various understandings of how Adam might represent humanity. Thus, for example, might there be room here, not for a physical, natural progenitor of all subsequent human beings, but for a person who was chosen by God from a developing or, at any rate, numerically numerous, human race to play the role of representative in obedience and disobedience?

But the question that will clamor for the attention of many is whether such a moment in which sin’s guilt and power are unleashed as the lords of humanity is required at all. There seems to have been death in this world millions of years before human beings came on the scene. Is it possible to affirm the point Paul wishes to make—that God’s grace, righteousness, and life abound to the many because of Christ—without simultaneously affirming the assumptions with which he illustrated these things to be true?

Lencke wrote his own follow-up to Kirk on his blog, and I encourage you to read that as well. Lencke points us past the argument of a historial Adam to the redemptive work of Christ as the focal point of Paul’s Romans passage above.

The other things [Paul] says, especially about sin, the Law, and eschatology, are reinterpretations that grow from the fundamental reality of the Christ event.Recognizing this relieves the pressure that sometimes builds up around a historical Adam……we can now recognize that Adam is not the foundation on which the system of Christian faith and life is built, such that removing him means that the whole edifice comes crashing down. Instead, the Adam of the past is one spire in a large edifice whose foundation is Christ. The gospel need not be compromised if we find ourselves having to part ways with Paul’s assumption that there is a historical Adam, because we share Paul’s fundamental conviction that the crucified Messiah is the resurrected Lord over all.

Yet Steven Wedgeworth at The Calvinist International says belief in a real, historical Adam is essential for our faith.

We return to our main question, and we offer this unreserved thesis: The historicity of Adam determines the public nature of our religion. If Adam was a historical individual, then the Bible makes authoritative claims about all of humanity and indeed all of the cosmos. It can, at least in theory, be falsified, and it is thus a legitimate topic of dialectical discourse. It is rational and not a retreat to commitment. If Adam was not a historical individual, and if instead the Genesis account is a sort of mythical story which was employed in order to make a uniquely religious point, then Christianity is necessarily rendered merely metaphorical, expressing truths of the human condition through symbols. The Bible in this case is no longer an authoritative account of human origins, history, and final destiny. It no longer addresses all men in all places and times, but rather expresses one faith-narrative that seeks to convey a meaningful but wholly internal truth.

Put more simply: if Adam is mythical, then so is redemption. While it does not follow that if Adam is mythical, then the historicity of Jesus must also be denied, it doesfollow that if Adam is mythical, then the historicity of Jesus as Second Adam must be denied. And Christianity is founded on Jesus as Second Adam.

So, we have Paul writing that Adam is a symbol of Christ who was yet to come. Does this symbol have to have been real? Does our faith hang in the balance as to whether or not we believe in a historical Adam?

I normally don’t answer my own Difficult Scriptures question, but today I will, and then stand aside to hear your thoughts. To give my answer, I will have to lean heavily on what I learned from Michael Spencer about reading the Bible.

The Scriptures were given us for one reason, and one reason alone: To point us to Jesus. When we try to use the Scriptures to prove other points, we are going outside of the scope of its purpose. The story and symbol of Adam show us “little Adams” to be sinners in need of redemption. Redemption comes in Christ’s death and resurrection. If I focus on whether or not Adam is/was real, I take my eyes away from what God intends me to look at: Jesus. So I guess I’m saying it does not matter to me whether or not Adam was really real. The story of Adam points me to a very real Jesus.

Now, your thoughts?

Welcome to Midweek Monkery, Lutheran edition. I hope you will enjoy a few of the things that have made me laugh as I have started to learn more about the Lutheran community, especially the immigrant Lutheran community in the U.S.

If you are a laughing Lutheran, I’d love to have you chime in today with a few knee-slappers of your own.

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Top Ten Ole and Lena Jokes
from Trinity Lutheran Church, Frankfort, MI

Ole and Lena are stock characters in folklore of the upper Midwest of the U.S., the outgrowth of the Scandinavian immigrant experience. You can find Ole and Lena jokes all over the internet. Here’s a good list I found on the website of a Lutheran church in Michigan.

1. Ole: Lars, I heard that you saved a man’s life in a restaurant last week.
Lars: Ya, I sure did. I advised him not to eat the Lutefisk.

2. Ole was on an airplane trip. His seat partner was a gorgeous young woman who made Ole’s heart skip a beat. “Where are you going,” asked the young woman. “Minneapolis,” answered Ole. “Same here,” said the gal. I’m going to Minneaplois to meet the man of my dreams… because I read in a magazine that the sexiest, most romantic men in the world are NORWEIGIANS and AMERICAN INDIANS. By the way, what is your name?” Said Ole shyly, “Ole Red Feather.”

3. Ole said that the way to identify a funeral procession in North Dakota is to notice if the combines have their lights on.

4. Ole says Americans are funny: First they put sugar in a glass to make it sveet, a tvist of lemon to make it sour, gin to make it varm dem up, and ice to cool it off. Den dey say, “Here’s to you,” and den dey drink it demselves.”

5. Ole and Lars were visiting France. They went to an Oyster bar where the waitresses were topless. Said Lars to the waitress, “Ve vould like a dozen oysters… and can you bring dem vun at a time?”

6. When Ole and Lena got married and went on their honeymoon. Lena was a bit bashful. As they walked up to the hotel, Lena said, Vhat can ve do so dey von’t know ve’re newlyveds? Answered Ole: YOU carry the luggage.”

7. Lena was visiting with her friend Freda Tofteskov, who explained how her husband Hjalmar had courted her with a rather unusual marriage proposal. Hjalmar told Freda that if she married him, he would either churn 10 pounds of butter, or write her a poem. “I see,” said Lena, “So it looks like you married him for butter or verse.”

8. When Lena tried to give the phone operator her phone number on a long distance call, the operator inquired, “Do you have an area code?” – “”No,” said Lena. “Yust a little sinus trouble.”

9. Ole was filling out a questionnaire. To the question regarding church preference, Ole put down: “Red brick with white trim.”

10. Ole calls up his doctor and says: “Every morning at 5 I have a BM. Fine says the doctor, that’s very healthy… so what seems to be your problem? – “Vell,” said Ole. “I don’t vake up until six.”

“The Herdsmen”
from Life among the Lutherans, by Garrison Keillor

Many of us were introduced to upper Midwest and Lutheran culture through the radio show Prairie Home Companion and the writings of its gifted host, Garrison Keillor. Here is a hilarious excerpt from his book about them.

The Herdsmen were winners in the Church Ushers Competition Thursday night in Houston, Texas. They beat out a Baptist usher team, a Methodist, and were first runners-up to a Jewish team called Parkyercarcass. The Herdsmen came home Friday with the first-runner-up trophy, and it was nothing to people. Nothing. A national award. That’s how Lake Wobegon can be in February. Dark and discouraging. The Herdsmen used to have that great front four of Don, John, Louie, and Boomer back in the seventies. And Boomer, he was an usher’s usher. The man worked a sanctuary on Sunday morning like you wouldn’t believe. With Boomer you didn’t have people filling up the back rows first — he moved ‘em right down front. Boomer was a big man, and he got his nickname from his voice, which would strip wallpaper. He’d been a basketball coach and did some auctioneering and raised six kids, and no matter where they were, they could hear Boomer when he called them for supper.

…[Boomer] was founder of the Herdsmen, and they still work from that 4-3-2 formation, even as other ushers have gone to a zone, and their secret still is quickness and anticipation. You can’t push when you usher — that’s called interference — and you can’t close your hand over someone’s arm — that’s called holding — but those guys could move people. The National Church Acolytes & Assistants Association, the NC-Triple A, sponsored the National Ushers Competition, which was held at the Grand Opera House, which is a tough room to work — big balcony, three aisles, boxes, but that’s where the Herdsmen went for the competition.

They raised money for the trip with a series of fish fries, and when you put on fish fries, you’re going to gain weight, so they had to have their pants let out. They wear blue polyester suits with an H and a sheep embroidered on the pocket. They sat in nine adjoining seats in rows twenty-five, twenty-six, and twenty-seven, wedged in like marshmallows, and it was a turbulent flight down to Houston, especially on the descent; the plane was shaking hard, and steam or something was coming out of the vents, the wings were flapping, and they could hear the flight attendants in back singing, “I Walk in the Garden Alone,” which was not reassuring. But they landed in Houston, and then they got on a little bus, one of those buses that is a box set on a truck chassis, so the ride is much the same as what animals get en route to the stockyards, and the bus driver rode around lost, and when the Herdsmen arrived they were nauseated and dizzy. It was 1:30 and they were up to compete at two o’clock, so they barely had time to throw on their clothes, and it was a motley crowd. A thousand people and there were a lot of Episcopalians in there, and they always take more time, and a group of blind nuns, the Sisters of Helen Keller, and that slowed things up — old ladies waving white canes and whacking people with them, and some guide dogs growling and barking — and there were 140 members of Lutheran Weightwatchers, and the kids from St. Vitus’s School for children with ADD, kids who come with a fast-forward button — it was like herding fruit bats and water buffalo. And there were only twenty stalls at the Communion rail and six servers, two of them elderly, but the Herdsmen go the job done by dividing people up and putting the elderly into another line, the sippers (who insist on drinking from the cup) in one line, and then three express lanes for dippers — and they set a new national record, one thousand people taking Communion in fifteen minutes, about 1.1 second per communicant. They might’ve won first place, but two judges marked them low on style, which may have been due to indigestion from that bus ride. Both Elmer and Danny cut some cheese during the competition, loud ones, and the smell hung around, and you lose points for that.

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The Herdsmen Should Have Booked with This Airline
“All fares are by free-will offering, and the plane will not land until the budget is met.”

We are a modest people
And we never make a fuss
And it sure would be a better world
If they were all as modest as us.
We do not go for whooping it up
Or a lot of yikkety-yak
When we say hello, we avert our eyes
And we always sit in the back.
We sit in the pew where we always sit,
And we do not shout “Amen!”
And if anyone yells or waves their hands,
They’re not invited back again.

I’m a Lutheran, a Lutheran — it is my belief;
I am a Lutheran guy.
We may have merged with another church
But I’m a Lutheran till I die.

- Garrison Keillor, “Lutheran Song”

The Vatican released information Monday from the 2013 Statistical Yearbook of the Church that challenges the perception many have (particularly in Europe and the U.S.) that the Roman Catholic Church is in a period of decline.

In March, Catholic Voices Comment proclaimed: “Viewed globally the Church experienced  a spectacular growth over the twentieth century which shows little sign of slowing.” In fact, the numbers they cite show that Catholics now make up about 17.5% of the world’s population, and that the church is steadily growing at a pace that is slightly ahead of general population growth. Monday’s statistics further confirm CVC’s points, among which are the following:

• Latin America is now the “heartland” of Catholicism, with more than 40% of the world’s Catholics dwelling in South and Central America. And though it is true that Pentecostalism has made gains, there has been a remarkable increase in seminary enrollment by those wanting to become priests (over 400% in the past 25 years).

• The most dramatic growth has occurred in Africa. There may be close to 200 million Roman Catholics on the continent, and this has been primarily an indigenous phenomenon, since the number of western missionaries has been declining since the 1960′s. Nigeria alone has 20 million Catholics, along with the world’s largest seminary. Africa ended 2010 with 765 more clergy than there were in 2009.

• However, Asia did even better, producing almost 1700 more clergy (priests/deacons) that same year.

In summary: “It’s clear that the popular narrative of Catholic decline isn’t supported by the facts: the global story of modern Catholicism is one of growth. Insofar as there’s any truth to it at all, that truth is increasingly out of date.”

The 1970′s-early 2000′s were certainly a low period, especially in Western Europe and the United States — and perhaps the dominant narrative of decline is due to the fact that these locations are where the media has the most influence. Since then, however, the situation has gradually stabilized, and in the past five years there has been a marked turnaround. Statistics from the U.S. and U.K. in particular suggest that the decline actually bottomed out in 2005.

A piece in the Guardian (England) observed that the Catholic Church and other denominations there are not, in fact, in desperate straits, as many imagine them to be:

It’s time to believe that the church in this country is no longer in decline. The latest statistics coming from various denominations are clearly showing stability in church attendance and even signs of growth. This news may come as a surprise to many people who believe that the church is a dying institution.

Another account of the Vatican statistics from Religious News Service summarizes the good news:

According to Vatican data, the Catholic population worldwide surpassed 1.2 billion in 2011.

But while growth in the Americas and Europe mirrored the growth of the general population, Catholic growth in Africa and Asia was almost double the regions’ population growth.

The world’s 413,418 priests at the end of 2011 showed a slight increase from the previous year, continuing a trend of slow growth that began in 2000 after decades of decline.

A rapid increase in vocations in Africa and Asia — to the tune of more than 3,000 new priests in a year — balanced the shrinking ranks of the priesthood in Europe. In the Americas, the number of priests remained stable.

Of course, the Church faces many serious challenges, but perhaps we are actually witnessing a season of renewal in global Catholicism.