The Internet Monk
"Read.Think.React.Write.Live."
A Webjournal edited by Michael Spencer
The Very Strange Christmas of 2002
Despite the best efforts of Scrooges everywhere, the Yuletide persists.
by Michael Spencer
Some
guy got arrested for having sex with a sheep in a Nativity scene. So
goes the Christmas of 2002. Welcome to our world.
In the New York City public schools- and a few hundred other public school systems- they have determined that the manger and anything else smacking of a Christian Christmas, is hereby illegal, because it is potentially offensive and divisive. A country that has never had a religious war is suddenly being held hostage by the fear the sight of a baby Jesus will inspire something like the Nigerian Miss World party.
Some New England liberals spent $1500 on a sign telling their neighborhood that Christmas was a vile, materialistic, spending orgy. Is it just me, or was there a better way to make that point? Like the guy in Idaho who has Santa crucified on the front lawn. (See photo above) The neighbors have torn it down and even burnt it, but he's still up there expressing the sorry sentiments of this confusing season.
An English vicar announced to the children of his congregation that there was no Santa Claus. A few days later he retracted the statement. An excellent example of Anglican theology. Another British clergyman said that Jesus was seeking asylum in Bethlehem and the wise men were part of an assassination plot. American evangelicals found it just the right season to say Jesus wouldn't drive an SUV, though conservatives pointed out that Jesus would need a couple of SUVs to haul the disciples around.
Trent Lott decided the holiday wouldn't be complete without a hearty glass of nog raised to our glorious segregationist past. Al Gore- in the midst of setting an SNL ratings record by kissing his wife for 3 minutes on camera- received the sudden epiphany that he should not run for President in '04. An Australian paper said that Bill Clinton was filling the stocking-metaphorically- of the surgically improved liberal Demi Moore. George W. Bush said it was time for everyone to get a small pox vaccination.
Iraq gave the U.N. a holiday gift of 12,000 pages in an unknown language and a cool set of CDs. Al-Queda kept losing members and blowing up MacDonalds, movie theaters and hotels. The Australian prime minister threatened preemptive strikes, and the Indonesian terrorists threatened to destroy Australia. Throw another Al-Queda shrimp on the barbee.
Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson passed on the Christmas card to their Muslim neighbors, opting instead for something more along the "Bah! Humbug! Go to Hell!" route. American Universities took on all the tolerant ardor of the University of Munich, 1939. Yassar Arafat told Osama Bin Laden to stop using the Palestinians as excuses for terrorism, then promptly closed Bethlehem to all tourists. At least, this year's "Shootout in Manger Square" program was cancelled. And when they tell you to hold your children a little closer this year, be sure that millions of American Roman Catholic parents will do just that.
President Bush gave sacks of coal to his two top economic advisors. Henry Kissinger took a walk when he discovered that his duties as chairman of the 911 commission might interfere with his current gig as the new lead singer of Iron Maiden. We now know that John Kerry's haircut costs roughly three times what President Bush's costs, which is a cause of great concern at the White House. Cardinal Law decided his career as a department store Santa was more promising than being burned in effigy as Cardinal of Boston and serving as official protector of serial molesting priests.
Speaking of which, an aging priest confessed to seducing young girls under the pretense of teaching them to relate to Jesus spiritually AND sexually. Jesus being unavailable, he managed to stand in. Not to be outdone in the outrage department, Planned Parenthood found a Christian clergyman who assured us Jesus was in favor of abortion, and PP issued a "Choice on Earth" Christmas card to celebrate.
North Korea threatened death and destruction to America if we don't turn off those cameras. Sean Penn visited Iraq and announced that, after looking everywhere, there were no weapons of mass destruction to be found. Apparently every out of work actor in Hollywood now opposes any American action to remove Saddam Hussein, which makes it almost certain the bombs are about to drop. Hobbits were put in charge of several B-1 bombers.
Adam Sandler's movie about Hanukah seemed much longer and much less funny than his songs about Hanukah. The Santa Claus 2 seemed much longer and less funny than The Santa Claus. The best Christmas movies were about wars in New York and Middle Earth. The worst Christmas movie, as usual, was about Star Trek. Who is the genius who thinks there could ever be a better Christmas movie than The Muppet's Christmas Carol?
Rap is terrible. Rock is confused. Pop is dead. The number one country artist in the world has a video where she is chased by a monster robot in a Sci-Fi video game. MTV is a black hole of 24/7 TRL. Eminem, formerly the most dangerous man in the universe, is now a teddy bear under the tree for grandma and mommy. Brittney is a hooker. Justin can't sing. Whitney is keepin' it real, like a dope deal. Mariah is invisible. Christina is butt naked on the cover of the Rolling Stone. Nobody records Christmas songs any more and that is a reason to bow, give thanks and turn over that Andy Williams LP.
When the kids wanted a computer two years ago it cost $2000. Today, nobody wants one and they're $200. DVDs are the hottest thing, but tell me again why I want to hear the assistant food director give his personal commentary on the entire movie? What you think is a movie is just a very long special effect anyway, and your favorite character doesn't really exist except on a hard drive. Bond is boring. Arnold has arterial sclerosis. Daniel Day-Lewis is retiring again. Harry Potter's voice changed. Disney has a stomach virus. The best entertainments around are reality shows starring an increasingly rotund ex-model and a burned-out, incomprehensible rock star. Who ate all the bourbon balls, Anna?
I love "A Charlie Brown Christmas". It occurred to me yesterday that those kids are doing a Christmas pageant in a public school. In other words, Charlie Brown's Christmas would now be illegal. Charlie and his friends would be expelled. The little Muslim, Wiccan and Hindu kids couldn't take it. A Charlie Brown Kwanzaa has some possibilities. And a Charlie Brown Winter Solstice Coven is on the calendar for next year.
I usually like the Christmas lights in our community, but lately I've noticed that some people seem to have lost their grip on the concept of "enough.". Their lighted holiday yard decorations have taken over their yards and are threatening the peaceful neighbors next door. Towering Snowmen staring in the neighbor's windows. A blinking mammoth Santa swaying in the front yard, posing a hazard to low flying planes. And somewhere in there, between armies of elves and thousands of well-lit yard ornaments, is the Holy family, stuck in the back, lost in a gaudy collection of holiday trash.
Which is the way it really should be. All the important events in the world were happening in Rome, Athens or Jerusalem. The small space where God stepped into the world was in the back, behind the trash, in the manure, lost in the mess that is our fallen world. The majesty of the Christmas miracle is not that this world is waiting to welcome Jesus on the Red carpet with his own talk show and a Christmas special on E! It is no different than two thousand years ago. Don't let the Christmas pageant down at church fool you. Christmas has always been the arrival of the impossible in a world that doesn't care.
Jesus was only recognized by people on the fringe, out of the mainstream, following a hunch or an impossibility. And then only with a cosmic cheat sheet. The politicians and journalists and entertainers missed it. The religious leaders missed it, and nothing much has changed there. The people with their causes, and the bills and their businesses missed it, too. Christmas is and always will be a miracle of God's glorious arrival in the wasteland of the human heart. Yet, the miracle consists not so much in his arrival, but in the astonishing news that, as insignificant as we are, he comes to this world to offer each of us the unfettered joy of love's gracious embrace and not the wrath and rejection we so richly deserve.
Our individual reasons for being will not be found in the pantheons of our cultural gods. Our reasons for living and loving and hoping come from the invisible, yet persistent, realities of the heart. It is in these places that Jesus comes, that Jesus is welcomed and that Jesus reigns. May the world continue on its merry way to an illegal Christmas. It will make no more difference than the world's neglect or Herod's hostility or the finality of the cross. There is born to you- to us all- this day, in the city of David, a savior, who is Christ the Lord. His majesty is not diminished by our neglect.
A Merry Christmas from The Internet Monk, and all the gang at the Boar's Head Tavern.