The Internet Monk
"Read.Think.React.Write.Live."
A Webjournal edited by Michael Spencer
How Religious Parents Royally Screw Up Their Children
by Michael Spencer
Now
some of you are saying, "Finally, a topic that Spencer obviously
knows something about." But you are speaking too soon. While, yes,
I was raised by Bible thumping fundamentalists who taught me to fear
Methodists and loath Papists, I am not royally screwed up by anything
they did to me. I've handled that on my own, thank you very much. And if
you were to take the time to get to know the two Spencer children, you
would find them to be remarkably unscathed by God's sovereign decision
to place them in the family of a minister. They watch MTV, fight, blow
their money on CDs, wear trendy clothing, find my sermons dull and roll
their eyes at all the appropriate moments in the ongoing script of being
preacher's kids. I am not talking about present company.
No, I am drawing on my vast experience with the parents of the young people I have ministered to over these 27 years. I have met hundreds of Christian parents, of every kind and persuasion. I've met those who were certainly, dangerously unbalanced. I have met those who kept their hands off the parenting process to an alarming degree. I have met those who innovated in the parenting process in ways that would have made the Marquis De Sade blush. It is from this library of experience, as well as a bit of Biblical wisdom, that I will draw my list.
At the outset, I want to make it very clear that I couldn't disagree more with those who believe that a strong devotion to religion automatically curses your children for the rest of your life. In spite of thousands of angry Catholic novelists, hundreds of weeping Oprah guests and a few dozen "Fundamentalist Anonymous" groups, there are millions of us who came through a rigorous religious up-bringing with normal sex lives, no desire to be serial transsexuals and only a moderately high guilt level. I have watched secularists go about the parenting process, and I cannot see any real difference. Having a rigid code of right and wrong did not eliminate wisdom, moderation and mercy. Those who attempt to raise non-violent, politically correct, vegetarian children seem to have the same problems as the rest of us. So quit your whining.
I do believe there are hazards that many religious parents do not navigate well. Some of them are simply matters of realism, while others are particular bizarrities endemic to particular religious groups. Evangelical Christianity has bred a plague of experts, many of whom are grinning idiots, bearing the mantle of religious authority. Don't think me ignorant of their game. Desperate people buy books. Observe the traffic near any diet or self-help or parenting shelf in your local Barnes and Noble. But I would urge everyone to realize that we preachers are stupid like everyone else, we just know how to sound like we know what we are talking about. The guys preaching the twenty part series on "Foolproof Biblical Parenting" have a household like Malcolm in the Middle, too.
So here we go. See you at the end of the tunnel. How do religious parents royally screw up their children?
1. By trying to raise sinless children. There are several particular beauties to Christianity. One of the most attractive is the Christian worldview's commitment to tell us that we are created in God's image, capable of wonderful things, but now we are fallen and rebellious towards God, and capable of the most heinous kinds of evil and wickedness. And despite some theological quibbling, the majority of Christians agree that we are born with this situation, and will always be sinners, until such time as Christ glorifies these bodies and transforms us for eternity. So our children are sinners, and this should be no surprise. We know why Johnny lies. He is, in his heart, a liar before he knows a word to speak. We know why Johnny is violent, disobedient and lazy, or at least how the whole ball gets rolling.
Now I am not trying to stop anyone from restraining their children from evil, but I am going to say it is darned foolish to operate on the assumption that junior's sin nature can be eradicated through Christian books, Christian videos, Christian school, Christian friends, Christian toys, scripture memory and obsessive Christian parenting. Junior is a sinner. Tell him so, so he can understand himself, and better understand why you are more interested in his conversion to Christ than in his obedience to you. Then show him the Gospel please, a message that does not apply to perfect children. Just ask that rich, young ruler in Mark 10.
2. By telling children they are specially called by God- from birth- to ministry. I'm not sure why any of us have kids, but I am pretty sure more than a few Christian parents have kids so they will become pastors, missionaries and, best of all, Christian singers Or at least so they can tell the other parents that spiritual bottom line over dinner. Over my career I have heard many poor children subjected to mom or dad repeatedly saying that "God has told us that you are called/anointed/chosen/set aside to be his servant from birth." Now Johnny gets to know that despite his sincere desire to play for the Reds, God wants him to be a preacher. And to make it really painful, he has told his parents, but not him. Plus he hates church. Is it any wonder some kids grow up seeing God as a very rude and intrusive fellow, determined to turn everyone into a TBN personality? Quit this nonsense.
Even worse is having someone "prophesy" over junior, and tell him his fate direct from God. This heavyweight knockout blow is usually used on the worst cases, rowdy and rank teenagers brought to the altar and prophesied over by the church prophets. Seldom do these messages predict anything but a glowing spiritual resolution of the problem. Does anyone smell manipulation cooking?
3. By using religion as punishment. Discipline has become difficult in the technological age. Grounding a kid doesn't pack the punch it used to. One would have to send a child to Pluto to remove them from the many benefits of technology. Even middle schoolers are equipped like Mission Impossible. So religious parents, ever vigilant of new twists in the parenting business, have found new ways to make young people hate Christianity. Take away their technology and forcing them to memorize scripture, for instance. Force them to write pages and pages of Bible verses. Force kids to go to excessive amounts of youth activities and mid-week worship services. Are there kids who really blossom under this kind of miserable coercion? Now I am not saying we shouldn't require our kids to go to church, but that isn't a punishment! At least it shouldn't be. If your kid doesn't want to go to some lame midweek church activity, making him/her go as a punishment is probably one of the worst things you could do. Have a heart. Make them clean their room! Or better yet, have them listen to Rush for a week.
4. Saying "God told us to" as your reason for parental decisions. A few weeks around people who talk as if God is always speaking into a small monitor in their ear and I start to understand why Luther wanted to slaughter the "enthusiasts." The other day we had a musical group come to our school. After an excellent musical performance, the leader of the group gave about the most heretical (unasked for) forty-five minute talk I'd ever heard. And he made it abundantly clear, he really didn't want to give this talk, but "God had told him to." Now, since the talk was well outside the boundaries of orthodox Christianity, I had good reason to doubt this. But how many young people grow up with religious parents using this same line to short-circuit reasons, discussions and communication, and lend authority to some likely-to-be-contested decision? I always feel that when a person says "God told me to say this," they should be required to also say "So shut up." Just to make it clear what's going on.
Everything in life doesn't need the stamp of divine authority. If your daughter has taken up with the neighborhood nightmare, just be a parent and apply what brakes you have. Don't couch your disapproval in mystical religious jargon. Shoot straight. When my wife and I shoot straight with our daughter about the sexual intentions of boys, she sticks her fingers in her ears and runs screaming down the hall. Now this is progress.
5. By having a constant fear of what is normal. Oh, I know. Normal for Christians can't be what is normal for the world, right? Well, that's not what I mean. I mean it's normal for kids to want to play instead of go to church. It's normal to want to watch cartoons instead of read Leviticus. It's normal to prefer bike-riding to an afternoon of prayer. And here is some news: it's normal for girls to like boys and its normal for boys to like girls (and to want pictures of them in swimsuits on their walls.) It's normal to wonder why you aren't allowed to listen to or watch something. It's normal to ask questions. It's normal to want to be yourself and not just what your parents think you should be. If you drive normal out of your kids, you may feel you've done the Lord's work, but you're wrong.
By the way, it is not normal for a thirteen year old child to be a mature Christian, I don't care if she is singing in a gospel group. It is not normal for a teenager to have the wisdom, maturity and experience of an adult, and we shouldn't be so foolish as to encourage our kids to do that act for the approval of a church audience. Our young people will usually have more curves in the road of life than we have map to chart, and that's OK. God will bring them to Himself, His way. Quite a few youngsters herded down the broad path called Christian approval never found the narrow road called Christ.
6. By lying and consistently making ignorant statements. Probably nothing quite does the amount of damage to Christian parenting as young people finding out they've been lied to. I tell you, it caused me more than a few second thoughts when I discovered that all the crap I'd been fed about Roman Catholics wasn't true. I was taught that a single beer would make anyone a raging alcoholic. Lie. I've seen parents tell their kids lies about other races and about the Bible, in order to discourage inter-racial dating. Some of the damage is done by ignorance, which is not quite the same as lying, unless it's willful ignorance. Many Christian parents know better than the things they say, but they say them anyway, just to maintain control. Some of the worst episodes in Christian history- such as the Salem Witch Trials and giving Jimmy Swaggart a second chance- were episodes of willful ignorance. I am sure that much of what was said about Islam since 9/11 could stand a truth check. I'm also sure that a great many parental explanations will fail truth checks when applied by maturing teenagers. You know, saying "I really don't know," may frighten you as a parent, but your kid will understand.
7. By obsessing on Satan and demons. The spiritual warfare wing of evangelical Christianity has made life more interesting for all of us. (Particularly those of us- like yours truly- who have been put under curses of God by angry practitioners. Really.) Nothing makes me believe we are heading into a new dark age quite like listening to spiritual warfarists diagnose the woes of the world- great and small- as a vast Frank Peretti novel. I have to say that there is no more useless application of this stuff than to parenting. If you believe the devil is after your teenager, then congratulations- you believe I Peter 5:8-9. But if you believe the reason Johnny doesn't want to mow the grass is demonic possession, you've gone over the top. My observation of my fellow believers who are obsessed with spiritual warfare is they are frightened by a lack of control in life, and few things conjure up that feeling like a couple of children. Praying angelic protection, casting out spirits of disobedience, discerning the names of neighborhood powers and authorities: it all gives a great sense of making a difference and having control. That is the seduction of spiritual warfarism. Rather than relying on the revealed truth of God applied in loving faith and on the providential work of God in ordering all of life, spiritual warfare invites us to become experts and specialists, parenting by means of our accumulated knowledge of the dark side. These people make me feel like I'm around a witch doctor or a Star Wars movie.
8. By ignoring culture, and isolating your children from it. I am not suggesting you get the Playboy channel for Junior's room or introduce him to the joys of marijuana yourself. I am saying parents who attempt to build a bunker and hide their children from culture make two mistakes: First, you probably make secular culture more appealing than it really is, and second, you lose a lot of good influence. I am certain that I have accomplished more by discussing the inanities of MTV with my kids than by forbidding it. It is now a regular laughing stock in our parent-child interactions. My kids have learned to think "Christianly" with my help. I think they will be the better for it. We see movies together and talk about them. My daughter introduced all of us to CSI, and it brings up lots of discussions. And we ridicule TBN together.
We also take in Shakespeare as a family, listen to one another's music, kick around the last sermon we heard and discuss politics. Should we be doing longer devotions instead? Should Shakespeare and MTV give way to the 700 Club and CCM? Should we give up those TV shows for reading the latest scintillating Christian fiction? Not as far as I am concerned. Life outside the bunker is more interesting and more beneficial.
Locking a child in the Christian ghetto also has the remarkable effect of turning the world's empty pleasures into a paradise of desire. Did you know that religions that stress teetotalism, such as Southern Baptists and Mormons, have the highest per capita incidents of drinking related problems? Now why is that?
I could go on, and I hope the discussion in the Boar's Head Tavern will pick up some of this. I also hope to get the author of Living in Disney World, Steve Mcfarland, to weigh in with a response. My point is not to ridicule or criticize well-meaning Christian parents, but to give some of the advantages I have gained as a spectator to those beginning the parenting process. It is not an easy road, and I have to tell you, nothing turns out like you thought it would. Your children are individuals, with wills and minds of their own. I never understood why Christian parents thought the verse promising that 'if you train up a child in the way he should go, when he is old he will not depart from it," meant that young people wouldn't go their own way when they are young.
In fact, here is an approach we might consider. Our parenting is only part of what God will use in the life of a young person to bring them to himself. He will also use poor choices, bad friends, failures and hard knocks. We would like to make sure God doesn't have to use those tools, but then they worked pretty good on most of us, didn't they? Let's follow the calling God gave parents so long ago, a calling that is as true now as in the past:
Deuteronomy 6:6-9 6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.