Comments on: The Temptation to Quit

By: Ed

Ed — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 18:35:37 +0000

I quit my music ministry position last week – I’m crushed. A new worship leader(6 months) who(IMO)refuses to let anyone else sing, in any capacity except on the other side of the rail(congregation…that was a joke). So afer 6 months of me backing her on bass, piano, guitar(conservetively 120-160 songs), I had the temerity to send her an email asking “if the music order isn’t already laid out for next week, I have a song I’ve been working on singing. Or next week or something would be fine too.” She completely unloaded on me,”don’t you feel you minister with your music”, “don’t you feel you get enough face time with the congregation”,”what do you hope to accomplish”,”we have no need for prima donas on the platform”. I’m thinking “hello, was I a prima dona when I was playing”. Then she decided to tell me she thought the one time she’s heard me sing was below church standard(Easter,coming off a head cold, maybe a bad idea but I doubt it was horrible). I’m not Pavorotti but I’ve been singing in the choir and doing solos at every church I’ve attended for years, I’ve also been a worship leader(not by default, I was asked). My last church’s music direector had me sing one of his songs for a CD. My Pastor seems to think the new contemporary music ministry is too important to rein her in. So I wrote a brief letter of apology to my band mates, didn’t dish on her, told them to first get it from her and then ask me if they want my take on the situation. I’m not really angry, more hurt and frustrated – I don’t know if I can take it not doing something I love, for people I love, to serve a God I love. My wife and children would be crushed if I “made” them leave, but my wife acknowledges she couldn’t let me go worship somewhere else without them. I keep praying for direction. Thanks for “listening”.

By: j.

j. — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 05:17:51 +0000

christian worker – i think we worked for the same ministry! you perfectly expressed how I felt about my experience. i left on the brink of burn out….thankfully God rescued me just in time. your description of the ministry and deciding to leave fit my experience. i was in such an unhealthy place and it was like an abusive relationship! they made me feel like i ever quit i’d never be in ministry again and would be worthless, but they always berated the staff calling us names, saying we weren’t working hard enough when we were POURING OUT our lives! Anyway, reading your experience was similiar to mine gave me comfort! Thanks!

By: Rick Ritchie

Rick Ritchie — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 03:33:38 +0000

What was the broader context of the Piper quote from Josiah Lee’s comment? In the little that was quoted, it seems to frame leaving and obeying as opposites. Now I can imagine situations where such was the case. But I would hate to frame all leaving as disobedience. Unless we have a command to stay, to speak of leaving as a sin is an error. But I don’t know what circumstances Piper was addressing.

By: former "Christian worker"

former "Christian worker" — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 16:58:28 +0000

Thank you, Anna, for your care and advice. I will look for those books.
Grace to you.

By: Anna A

Anna A — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 10:39:50 +0000

Dear former “Christian Worker”,

Since no one else has responded to you, in this thread, let me give some insight that may help. But, first, if this doesn’t seem appropriate, and/or painful, please, please ignore it. The last thing that I would want to do is to hurt a brother.

Now for the comments.

I consider all Christians to be full time ministers, some just get paid to do it. I recognize that I am responsible for my works and actions and that they reflect on Our Lord. It is much easier for someone like me to make major changes, than for someone like you or Michael. (But, I found that even the grocery store workers notice people, and your attitude toward life. One commented about mine to me.)

Figure out what in ministry that you do best, and have fun doing, and then see what in the outside world can use those same abilities.

Find a different place, and possibly even different style to worship. As much as I get frustrated with the lack of friendliness that many Catholic parishes tend to have, the anominity (sp) can be refreshing, at times.

I found the book, “Exit Interviews” by Henderickson. to be valuable because of the stories of others, who have been burnt by Christian organizations.

Another book, that seems to be pushing its way forward, even though I haven’t read it in ages is “Vulnerablity to God” or it may be “Vulnerable to God.” I don’t remember the author.

My thoughts and prayers.

By: Worship Leader Ron

Worship Leader Ron — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 04:03:57 +0000

Michael,

This was a blessing to read. I am a Kentucky Baptist. I grew up in Eastern Kentucky and despite God’s providence, I came back to go to college in eastern Kentucky. I’m a pastor’s son myself and by nothing other than God’s graciousness and peace have I been able to persue the seminary and the ministry myself. I didn’t think I’d be here. For a long time, the last thing I wanted to be was a minister and put up with all of the crap and abuse I witnessed first hand (and continue to see).

I know what your ministry at OBI is about and I want to say “THANK YOU.” There’s a lot of talk among the restless calvinists in the sbc about the inefficiencies of the Cooperative program on the associational and state levels these days, and I suppose I agree with some of it. But I’m so thankful that you are supported through the KBC. I won’t lead any churches to bypass the states if I ever have any influence because of the good work that men and women, most of whom aren’t influential bloggers, do in silence, wrestling with the agony of staying and leaving, the family distress and the struggle of the faith. Thank you all. God bless you and You are in my prayers.

I read the “grass is greener” article at work and almost cried. I saw my family torn apart in some ways and I see the scars that are still there. I am glad to be reminded that, at the begining, I want a good name, but I want to make a good name for Christ in everything I do. God Bless.

By: former "Christian worker"

former "Christian worker" — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 15:04:31 +0000

Michael,
Thank you for your response. Don’t misunderstand, I wasn’t writing my comment to imply that your post was wrong in any way. I understand where you are coming from, and I knew (before you commented yourself) that you would agree with a decision like mine in the sort of circumstance I described. I suppose I was reacting to some of the comments above, although not in anger, just in explanation.
Thank you also for the links to other posts of yours. I will read them when I can.
And finally, thank you for NOT quitting. It sounds like you have a real ministry which is benefitting many people. That’s certainly true of your website, as well as your “day job.”
By the way, I would be interested in a post of yours (and your very insighful commenters) dedicated to the sorts of things I mentioned. Namely, what do you do if you gave yourself to Christian ministry, and you were harmed by it? How do you recuperate? How do you go on with the Lord, when you identify the Lord with the Christian group that damaged you? How do you look back and separate the wheat from the chaff? Most importantly for me, what do you do if you still feel called to serve the Lord, but you were so ruined by your previous experience that you don’t know where to begin, or how to prevent yourself from being burned out again?
Just a suggestion, but of course don’t feel obligated. Your posts on all sorts of topics have been very helpful to me.
Grace to you.

By: Michael Spencer

Michael Spencer — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 02:24:34 +0000

Christian worker:

Let me be clear that this post isn’t about you. I tried to make it clear there are times we must leave for our own sake and the sake of our health, faith and family.

I wrote about this:
http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/imonk-101-the-sanity-verses

I completely support your decision without question. I was NOT aiming this at anyone like yourself.

Oh… this one too:

http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/quit-and-see-what-happens

I’m totally in your corner.

By: former "Christian worker"

former "Christian worker" — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 02:07:10 +0000

I appreciate the ones here who suggest it is better to stick it out. But I can testify personally of what happens when you stay and the grace isn’t there anymore.
I still wake up sometimes with anger in my heart. I’ve prayed for more than four years that I could forgive my brothers in Christ, and have asked the Lord to forgive me my own inability to forgive and let things go.
But when you are in a church with a toxic and abusive culture, and you stay because this is where the Lord put you and maybe you can still make a difference, the psychological and spiritual results can be severe.
I have never recuperated from almost a decade of being a “Christian worker.” I did the best I could, but eventually I threw in the towel. In retrospect, I should have left years earlier. But I was waiting for the “Lord’s leading.” And it didn’t come. I left when I simply couldn’t take it anymore.
There are times where our intuition is simply correct. If we are in a situation that is burning us out, and we keep spending ourselves and there is no change, then it may be best just to leave. We are not supposed to be manpleasers. Our goal is to please the Lord, and He said, “My yoke is easy, and My burden is light. I am meek and lowly of heart.” And it was said of Him, “A bruised reed He will not break, and smoking flax He will not put out” (which I understand to be referring to broken and wounded people).
I won’t tell my whole story here. Suffice it to say that I worked with a Christian group that was very cultish and authoritarian. They worked me to death, and showed very little gratitude. In the midst of what felt like torture, there were signs of the Lord’s presence. There were people there that I really loved, and who responded to my care.
But I worked with fellow workers and leading brothers who expressed the opposite of the fruit of the Spirit. When I think about those years, I can feel a physical pain in my chest, from all the anger that I repressed in the name of “bearing the cross” and “submitting to authority.”
The Lord loves us, and doesn’t want to ruin us. If we are in a situation that is causing us more harm than good, sometimes the best thing to do is walk away sooner rather than later. I wish I had left years earlier. Of course there may be people who leave because they are uncommitted, or not willing to pay a price. But sometimes the ones who leave are doing so because the Lord Himself does not really want them to be there.
Sorry for the long post. I’ll leave it at that.

By: Anna A

Anna A — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 15:19:52 +0000

Richard,

I can quite understand why Brandon would want to hit someone. Twice recently, family has been hurt by the behavior of others, who should know better. My first, emotional reaction is to want to scratch their eyes out.

Not that I did anything because it would mean breaking a confidence, even to talk to them.

I am doing what I can, generally by spreading the word for prayer for those involved. Brandon is also doing what he can, by removing his wife and himself from that situation.