Editor’s note: I met Erick as a co-worker in a company where very few self-identified as Christians. Erick however did. It can be a difficult journey in our part of Canada. Here is the latest installment in Erick’s story published this week. He blogs at: Sempiternal Being. He has given me permission to share this segment with the community that is Internet Monk.
How does his story resonate with your own? Are there similar experiences that you have had that you think would be helpful to the conversation? Your thoughts are welcome. We will be returning next week with another excerpt from Michael Spencer’s book: Reconsider Jesus
By Erick Gaudreau
Where to start?
Well let’s see. It’s been quite some time since I’ve sat down to really blog. And, I guess there are a few reasons for that.
Firstly, I’ve been busy. It was a lot easier to sit down and write when I was laid off work and had a lot of free time on my hands.
Secondly, I’ve struggled with where to go with this. At the beginning I had a lot of readers encouraging me in my journey in faith – towards God. And well truth be told, I’ve probably moved further away from God than towards him. As a result of that, I’ve kind of felt like maybe I’ve failed those that have been reading along. But, this is my journey and my walk, you may not agree with it, you may not understand it, but it’s my walk and my journey.
Truth be told, in the last year-and-a-bit I’ve come to question Christianity as a whole and as a result question the deity that is “God”. I’m not atheist and would probably consider myself more along the lines of an agnostic. But even that doesn’t seem to cover it. I believe that there is some sort of higher power, a god, who and what that is I don’t know. Truthfully, no one does. Every faith and belief on this planet has a god or higher power, some have many. How do you know which one is right? You don’t. You live your life according to the tenets of that faith and die in the belief that on the other side you will receive the appropriate reward for your faith.
What if they are all right? Or, what if you’re wrong? Then what?
You see the truth is, I think faith and religion (this is to describe faiths as a whole and not the “relationship” that people have with their god) works for some. It’s a set of rules and guidelines in which to live our lives. If you follow this set of rules and accept these things than you’re living a good and right life and will reap your reward in the afterlife. It’s a tool that people use to get through trials and turmoil. Some people use it as a means to become “whole”.
Well, I am seriously questioning it all. You see, I’ve experienced “supernatural” things that I can’t explain, so in my upbringing as a Christian these would be considered divine, maybe even miracles. But, when I’ve prayed and petitioned God for His intervention, healing and deliverance in other areas I got nothing. And, I’ve heard all kinds of answers as to why God “can’t” do it or that it’s a process and it takes time. “Well, God can’t change you or fix that all at once, you wouldn’t be able to cope.” Really? I call bullshit! If God created the universe in 7 days, then I’m sure he can fix our little problems. And, if we are talking about the God of the Bible then how you do explain the lepers that his son healed, or the paraplegic man, or the blind people, and let’s not forget about the dead that were raised. I’m sure that must have screwed up their lives, or afterlife, a bit. So, why is it “ok” to fix their lives but that doesn’t work in today’s day?
Another one that I don’t get it, how we determine what is sin and what isn’t sin. There are sins that are spoken of in the Bible that are commonly practiced among Christians today and yet other sins are still huge taboos and faux pas. And, depending on your religion within the Christian faith the sins are different. So, where do you draw the line? Is everything in the Old Testament no longer valid and the New Testament is the new rule book? Or is it a combination of both? Seriously I don’t even know where to start.
I know that “religion” is a creation of man. Well isn’t the Bible a book written by men? So, how do we know that they got it right? One guy has a “vision” and all of sudden BAM pork and shrimp is ok to eat. Hold on, wasn’t that a sin in the Old Testament? So, what’s right? Do these rules change? And who decides that they change? How come that guy was right and ok to change the “law”? Can sins change today?
So, if you’ve made it this far you’ll see that my journey has taken a different path then where it seemed to be heading. In summation, I think I believe that there is more than likely a higher power, a god. I’m just not sure that I buy into Christianity and the Bible anymore. I guess my faith just isn’t there.