Comments on: Refelctions on Being the Parent of Adult Children

By: Kathy

Kathy — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 14:33:28 +0000

Thanks for this encouragement. Our youngest son is 18; it’s a bewildering age–for him as he sorts out who he is–and for us as we try to pull back because he wants to be independent, but parent him because he’s still at home and in high school. #8 really spoke to me.

By: GranpaJohn

GranpaJohn — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 01:29:31 +0000

Well said. And Thanks for the reminders. #8 said “We all go through times when we feel lost. When things are wrong inside of us.”
We have and ours have too at times. We’re still as close as prayer.
Also appreciated all of the posters. Giving children room to make their own mistakes while keeping them close enough to be safe was key in our three. So now I just say “Wow, these amazing adults God has allowed us to raise…”
@ J. Michael
At least you had one who was of age to realize they already know everything for interesting conversation. Our youngest is 27 and often his most exhilarating comment in “hmmm…”

By: Lynne

Lynne — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 00:44:46 +0000

Michael, I read this with tears, because my son and daughter, in their 20s, are the shining proof to me that God’s grace is present and active in my life. I will never know why He entrusted these two precious people to me, what did I know about being a mother? But He did, and over and over again I went back to Him through their growing up years and asked Him to make up to them what was lacking in their parenting. Along the way I have learned not to confuse my journey with their journey, and give them the freedom to make their own mistakes. And if God takes them in very different directions to my desires and assumptions, that’s ok too. my job is to support them and encourage them in every good thing, and be their personal cheer squad whenever they need one. They are adults, and must be treated with the same respect I would treat any other adult, and an extra dose of love, because I’m their mum.

By: mollycar

mollycar — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 19:33:37 +0000

Thanks for a great post.
I’m so grateful for what God’s done in my kids lives.We lived in a deprived area with high unemployment, lots of social problems when they were little. My husband was in fulltime ministry then he became disillusioned and lost his faith. My kids when through a rollercoaster because of it. My oldest son went through a tough adolescence but in the last few years he and his girlfriend, now wife,came to a mature, passionate commitment to Christ. He is a great dad to his 3 year old daughter.
My youngest daughter, aged 19, was very effected by her dad’s struggles.She has recently , through her brother’s influence and especially God’s wooing, come to a deep commitment to God and is a profoundly changed person.
My middle daughter is looking on in awe at what God has done with her siblings.
Thank God that He loves and cares for our kids more than we can begin to appreciate.I am honoured to be their mum and their friend.
God bless you and yours!

By: JimBob

JimBob — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 19:30:47 +0000

Timely, indeed. We’re taking our adult daughter back to college this weekend. She’s been home for a month, and it’s been truly wonderful. She has developed into an incredibly talented and gifted young lady, who also happens to be my wife’s best friend after me. It’s so hard to have her 400 miles away most of the time, and will be worse when she’s off at medical school and has no free time to speak of. But we’re now confident that she will excel, succeed at it, and keep her principles and relationship with God.

Our other daughter is graduating high school in the spring, and will be joining sis at New Mexico State. Look out, world, this gal is going to take you by storm! I haven’t seen such a committed Christian in a long time. (Must have gotten that from her mother…)

As others have said, our children are the joy and the pride of our life, and we feel inexpressibly blessed to have had the privilege of bringing them this far. I finally feel like I did something right in life. After this, old age is gonna be a cakewalk!

By: Peggy in Shenandoah Valley

Peggy in Shenandoah Valley — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 18:05:49 +0000

Thanks for another wonderful post. My three adult children have somehow, despite my many faults and mistakes, turned into the kind of people I’d love to hang out with even if we weren’t related. Their teens and twenties were often challenging and exhausting, but now I see the beautiful fruit of efforts and prayers- plus money and sleepless nights. One of the greatest rewards is meeting some of their friends and finding out not only how awesome they think your children are, but that many of them have decided- based on what they’ve heard from my children- that I’m pretty cool too. But the greatest reward of all is seeing them become the right kind of seekers- not hungering for fluff or easy fixes but for truth and righteousness. Thank God for His grace and the many godly people that pitched in with prayer and effort when I was not at my best. Parenting is the hardest, most important job you’ll ever love.

By: Buckley

Buckley — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 17:33:01 +0000

Michael, one of your best, and that is saying something my friend. Point number two was very sobering to me, but then point three softened the blow.

By: Dave R

Dave R — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 17:32:32 +0000

Michael, thank you for once again saying so clearly the vague ideas that float in and out of consciousness. This topic is for me the greatest source of guilt, and the greatest opportunity to learn faith and hope.

#2 If we realized what it really means to create, nurture and shape another person in the deepest of human ways, weâ€™d be frozen with fear. It was this fear that led me to study and embrace the reformed doctrines, especially the sovereignty of God. Knowing that God has control of their lives has probably saved me from such a paralysis. To think that how they turn out depends on me is overwhelming. Divorce (not my choice), remarriage (definitely my choice:), and overseeing a combined family of seven children has presented a whole series of brokenness and crises. Seeing God heal and restore so many things (but not all) is my greatest testimony to his faithfulness and love.

#7 It is so tempting to do nothing but criticize. Iâ€™m aware that often our adult children need criticism, but they need much, much more than criticism. I have two out the door and another two on their way. It’s such a temptation to try to finish teaching them what should have been done earlier, to continue trying to correct those flaws I know I helped create. I need to remember the relationship is different and the influence I have is different. Once again I have to love them the best I can and leave the finishing to the Lord.

I just had the neatest experience. One of my ‘grown’ boys brought over a friend from college saying he wanted to take a couple of hours Sunday afternoon to find out what I believed – there’s a broad topic! We rambled through Arminian versus Reformed, theories of eschatology, seeker sensitive churches…I talked with his friend and my son mostly listened. Afterwards he said he hadn’t realized what a resource he had in his dad, and our ramblings confirmed some things he had been thinking about. He asked me to send him things I thought might be helpful. The first one I suggested was internetmonk.com.

My other ‘grown’ son regularly asks me out to lunch to talk about life, big things and small. The respect and honor and love they’ve shown, in spite of how little I deserve it, is one of the greatest gifts I can imagine receiving.

Thank you again Michael for the encouragement and the chance to share the goodness of God.

By: j. Michael Jones

j. Michael Jones — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 17:09:34 +0000

Timely post. With the holidays, we just spent 10 snow-bound days with 4 of our 5 adult children (okay the youngest is 16 so semi-adult). Many interested conversations. I thank God for His grace to cover my failures as a parent.

By: pentamom

pentamom — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 16:38:02 +0000

“If we realized what it really means to create, nurture and shape another person in the deepest of human ways, weâ€™d be frozen with fear.”

This is one of those things I consider the grace of God, really. We can’t afford to be frozen with fear, and so it is a mercy that we are limited in our ability to completely grasp the power we hold.

My oldest just turned 18 a couple of weeks ago and I don’t quite consider her an adult (though I try to remember that in ways she is, and needs to be treated so) so I’m not the “expert” on adult children by any means. But one piece of parenting advice I heard when she was a baby has stuck with me, and I think has really benefited my ever-evolving relationship with my kids.

“You are your child’s advocate.” I took this to mean that I am to see the good where possible, and limit the fault-finding and correction to those times where it can really be seen to be of benefit. Some Christian parents, even some very good ones I know, have a little too much of “it’s my job to fix the problems” and tend to focus on what needs to be fixed, and (at least verbally) diminish the God-given growth and maturity that their kids are experiencing.

I also took it in its more literal meaning of not tearing them down before others. So often women’s prayer groups or even Sunday school parenting lessons can become places where my image of other people’s kids takes severe damage, and if I didn’t try to remember that an earnest parent’s perspective tends to be tainted with fears and concerns, I would think that some of these fine children and young people I know are a total mess. I try to limit the negative reflections on my own children to those times when it is a very private setting, and when there is a serious need for prayer or counsel.

The practical result I see is that my kids, now three teens, a preteen, and one primary-schooler, don’t have an impression that I’m always looking over their shoulder, out to find the next thing wrong with them. Their impression of their parents appears to be that of positive encouragers, who do hold them accountable, but who don’t spend their days figuring out what they’re doing wrong. I have hope that this will bear fruit both in their own lives, and in our ongoing relationship through their adult lives.