I am praying for you and for your family. May I humbly suggest that you (and your husband if possible) seek marital counseling. In light of what happened about the church camp, I would try to find a counselor who respects your faith, but not connected to your particular church.

So, what happens is that the adulterous male, even as he publicly and painfully looks for redemption, even as he has turned away from his sin, is defined forever by that same sin by a frightened group of Christians afraid to forgive. I do not know if that, for me, will ever change. I may always, unless I move to another part of the world, be what I did and not who I was before or even who I am now.

All that to say, please be careful that you do not present your points as absolutes, because behind each affair there is a story, and it is not always the story you thought, or one that is so easy to define. Men are not all sexual thugs looking selfishly to hurt their wives or to shun responsibility for their part in an unhappy marriage. Your insinuation, more or less, that this is true could hurt deeply some brothers who want to rise above their sin, walk away from it, and start the “healing bow” and rebuild.

“Quick to judge,
Quick to Anger,
Slow to Understand”
Rush (Witch Hunt)

My personal story is long and complex and nothing like what most folks want to hear. It isn’t bound up in some neat and easy little “He was a jerk and had an affair” short story. And I know of others who also have unique circumstamces. Please don’t hear that I would ever defend adultery under any circumstance. What I wouldn’t give to erase what I did. But, do not judge or pretend to know the fuel that drives a man to sin unless you have been in that person’s shoes. Period.

He has told me that Jesus died on the cross for his sins… he has told his sins to God, and to his new friends including his lover and he has been forgiven. Jesus died on the cross so he could commit adultery. Again, it is me who is at fault. 20 years and three children mean nothing… he needs to live his dream.

If he would have given 1/10 of his energy to us, our marriage and family. I would have done anything for him, and the marriage. He does not value us at all. He left the marriage, and the children. I am waiting for the total self~ destruction to occur. I wish he could read the essay, and feel the pain he caused. The sad part he never will… thank you. If you reach one man, save one wife from the pain of this and most importantly save the children from the pain. It is so hurtful to them.
You cannot have a marriage of one, I learned that the hard way. Husband’s should love their wives and children.That should be enough to stay, and make things right. His path is one that will destroy him, and I cannot help him at all.

Wise words, I thank you for them. It is so easy to take the whole blame when your wife in this situation. I refuse to anymore, your words tell the story. I hope it can be a cautionary tale to some men.
Di

Being honest with myself after reading this essay, I can see the path I am heading down. This article will give me motivation to resist the temptation for another week or two, but it will still be there and I could easily jump back on the path and catch up to where I was in a hurry. I guess that is what is so important about having accountability and someone to share this temptation with and who will not let you jump back on the path. It seems a little drastic for something that you feel “is under control”, but I think I need to recognize the foolishness of what I am doing, the gravitiy of the consequences, the persuasiveness of the opponent (sin temptation and sexual drive) and ask for help. Say a short prayer for me that I bring this up to my accountability group and flee from this temptation. Thanks for the article.

1. Men for whom intimacy brings up internal lies about being rejected or being ridiculed. In today’s cultural approach to sexuality, men are constantly robbed of that complete emotional release that sex is supposed to bring. Instead, we are harrangued at every side by the fears that we will not be seen as enough. These fears lead some men…even some with excellent marriages…to seek to prove their acceptability through sexual encounters. Of course, the reality is that the guilt and shame they feel afterward and the mocking sneer of the enemy makes their internal ridicule even worse. And if they are “found out” then they truly will be rejected. It isn’t surprising that our lies become reality as we live them out.

2. Another group of men (and I have seen several of them lately) are angry and have been told that anger is a sin. Their solution to the anger at their wives is to hurt them through one-night stands. Passive-aggressive behavior is fueling so much sexual temptation today. There are times I feel it as a counselor and pastor. Let me rediscover the right to holy and godly anger and perhaps sexuality will lose its angry side.

“Affairs do not begin with kisses; they begin with lunch. Or something like it. So when you hide the shared meal and the excitement that came with it, you do so for a reason.”

I am just a guy writing to other guys. Not a researcher.

So the numbers are pretty even as far as men and women sinning sexually.

These men are typically not having affairs with other men.

Even if the female affair partners are not married, they are still part of a marriage damaging and/or destroying affair.

So, I don’t really believe one can characterize this as a male or gender specific issue. Women are just as involved in affairs as men.