Comments on: Jesus, Mom and Michael

By: rejoyce

rejoyce — Tue, 07 Feb 2006 22:09:00 +0000

Thank you for this. I’m not an only child, but my siblings don’t seem to care very much. My mother is 76 and is spiralling downwards after a brain injury last September. It has been a long and draining process. Your essay helped me to realize why I care so much and what I am learning from this experience. This is as close as most of us every get to the Passion. Because of that, the journey must be honored. My mother is not a particularly religious or brilliant person. She has committed her share of sins, and she can be scathingly, scaldingly mean. But she is a soul on the journey of her own Passion, and so will I be someday. The journey must be honored. Thank you again.

By: marthasdistraction

marthasdistraction — Mon, 14 Nov 2005 23:41:46 +0000

Thanks for sharing this. I just ran across this, and I am in a similar situation as an only child and a mother who has an immune disorder that has no cure. She gets these “infusion” treatments of gamma globulin 3x a week to help her body fight it off and give her quality of life. Medicare is threatening to cut the treatments this January. Every month we evaluate if she can still drive, etc. But she is in constant pain, and the disease is slowly progressing. I don’t know what the future is of this, and I am experiencing much of what you have expressed. I don’t know how to plan, etc. etc….

But I do see her grow in her faith in the midst of this.

Thank you.

By: LyndaK

LyndaK — Tue, 25 Oct 2005 18:21:40 +0000

The life lessons of a child with an elderly parent are very difficult. I just put my 86 year old mother into an assisted living facility because it was impossible to take her into my home and I was the only one who could even consider it. No bath on the ground floor and no way to quickly install one. And no bedrooms either. And stairs just to get from one level to the next on the downstairs. It’s amazing how people quickly offer you advice on what you should be doing: “Why aren’t you taking her to live with you? You have a house and space? You should be doing this for your mother.” Or who feel quite comfortable telling you that “You’ll never regret this time you spend,” when you have literally been at her side around the clock, giving medications and comforting for six weeks and the longest stretch of time you have had to yourself to even sleep has been five hours and all you want to do is go to the bathroom without someone asking you where you are and when you are going to be out.
Sometimes the lessons of elderly parents are for you–to learn compassion, to face aging, to prepare yourself and your children, to learn to caregive, to be fully present etc.
And sometimes the lessons are for the elderly parent–that they can’t always have things their way and that other people can help besides the one daughter they want to be there 24/7 around the clock without fail.
If you can bring your parent into your home and become the 24/7 caregiving, that’s admirable. But if you can’t, and you find another option then don’t beat yourself with guilt.
My mother is a demanding, insistent, prima donna who wants full attention at all times from everyone in her world. When that sort of burden falls on one person–who still has a job because she is unmarried–the burden can be unbearable.
And for all of you who think you can become the sole caregiver around the clock for your parents, remember that 25% of caregivers die before the people they are taking care of because of exhaustion and illness themselves. If you do take care of your mother or father, be sure to see what resources are available in your community for respite care and assistance. You’ll soon discovered that caring for an aged parent is 1000% more difficult than caring for children. Ask for help. Insist on it. It’s not a sign of moral weakness.

By: morgj

morgj — Tue, 25 Oct 2005 17:36:26 +0000

Michael,
Earlier this year my wife and I (and her sisters) stood by the bedside of my mother-in-law as she released the pain of her cancer and rested in the arms of Jesus. Now we are faced with my mother’s declining health and the complications of age. While not an only child, I’m the geographically logically child to deal with it. I’d never thought out of all the family members I would be the one to take the reins in this. I’m ill-equipped, I’m unsure of my choices and decisions, I’m guilty for the choices I do make, and often second guessed. Yet, through it all, there is the face of Jesus shining through eyes that are dulling. The child becomes a parent, heck I wasn’t that good of a parent to chiuld, and here we are. Like you, I ask for God’s will, and for us to trust in His ways. No miracles, no flash boom, just the wisdom to make appropriate choices and the peace of knowing He hears me.

By: Diane R

Diane R — Tue, 25 Oct 2005 00:00:47 +0000

I went through this same thing for 6 years. Last December my mother died.
She had a major stroke in 1998 and was completely bedridden at home. Since we were not too well off financially, I had really no help as I also am an only child and virtually have no living relatives.
But her mind was very keen in her nineties and it would be living death for her to be in a nursing hoe. If I had it all to do over again, I would have done the same thing.

Many of us fall through the Medicare-Medicaid crack as we did and that makes it quite difficult.

By: vkirkman

vkirkman — Mon, 24 Oct 2005 20:32:36 +0000

I’ve been to that same school. I didn’t like it. But you’re right. I knew it was coming, but did not prepare. You are in my prayers.

Vern

By: K.W. Leslie

K.W. Leslie — Mon, 24 Oct 2005 19:07:08 +0000

Brilliant. True. God continue to be with you.

I am not an only child, but as the oldest I know I will have to be responsible for my parents when that time comes. It will be more difficult caring for Dad since he never cared for me, but God will give me the patience, strength, and grace to do that. Even though Dad doesn’t consider himself God’s son, he still is.

By: Mean Dean

Mean Dean — Mon, 24 Oct 2005 06:46:31 +0000

Mike, thanks for this all important post on this all too ignored topic.

As one who is blessed with both parents, I recently was compelled to make a big geographic change – in part to make sure I was closer to them as they move closer to the inevitable result of our human condition.

I was in prayer for you last week.

I’ve blogged about your post just about 30 minutes ago:
http://www.blogs4god.com/node/598

Thank you!

By: Histrion (Jay H)

Histrion (Jay H) — Mon, 24 Oct 2005 04:39:42 +0000

Full disclosure: the thought of growing senile scares the willies out of me. God forgive me, I do not deal well with nursing homes. Or, for that matter, most kinds of mental infirmities. I have no idea how I might one day (too soon!) be able to take care of my parents, even with my sister to help me. And in all honesty, with my own nuptials coming up, one of the few reservations I have is that, some day, either I will have to take care of my mentally illucid wife, or, worse, she will have to take care of me. Sometimes, honestly, I would rather just stay single and plan to be found dead on my floor.

Wow, am I admitting this in a public forum?

Anyway, I hope I can find a bit of your strength and nobility when the time comes.

By: Wally

Wally — Mon, 24 Oct 2005 02:07:47 +0000

Poignant… I am humbled by your courage, by your honest self-disclosure, and by your love of the truth, however painful it may be. I respect the open way that you allow discourse, while you temper it with wisdom. You have the depth of character to look beyond whatever stake you have in the local denominational franchise, to Jesus, the Lord of Glory.

“Living below in this old sinful world
Hardly a comfort can afford
Striving alone to face temptation so
Now won’t you tell me
Where could I go but to the Lord”

words and music by J.B. Coats