You are so right. A Christian husband is to be willing to physically lay down his life for his wife (as Christ did for His people, the church), and he is also to be willing to die to his sinful selfishness every day for her. Although Christ is obviously sinless, think of how much He loves the church, even as the church treats Him badly at times (another model for how Christian husbands are to love their wives)! Spousal abuse (without *true* repentance for it) and a sincere Christian profession of faith are at odds.

We used to have a poster that had a picture of a man with like a flannel shirt, suspenders, holding a Bible, and the caption was, “How could such a God fearing man have such a husband fearing wife?”

A lot of Christians in such situations were so clueless that the only counsel they got was “Wife, Submit to Thy Husband and/or Pray About It And Trust The LORD.” Woman after woman would call in with similar stories. The most charitable thing that could have been said about such counselors was that they were seriously clueless and/or seriously tunnel-visioned onto “Just Walk the Aisle and Say The Sinner’s Prayer; that will solve everything!” At worst, they were deliberate accessories after the fact.

“Woman, Do As I Say Or I Beat You! God Wills It!”-level male supremacy is more associated with Islamic authorities than Christian; what is this, some sort of syncretic cross-fertilization into some sort of “Christlam”?

Where evil exists in the darkness, it will grow and thrive–we should be able to see this with the Catholic paedophilia scandals. Shining a light on abuse is not easy, and it will cost us dearly, as it has cost me and many other women who were shunned, rejected and betrayed by their church communities. There is a ‘tyranny of respectability’ that cannot be penetrated by the truth in so many cases. As J up North commented here, Saying “it didn’t happen that way” is what the abuser says to cover his guilt. And I want to point out, that is the same thing many church people in all or most denominations are saying in order to cover the guilt of their complicity in these situations. Lying and complicity with a liar or an abuser is NEVER okay. The whole Church is harmed by the lies that are told to protect the abuser.

Danni Moss is doing a fantastic job of raising awareness of this issue, through her blog. She also has linked her blog to the online sites and blogs of other organisations, and of women to whom this has happened. Some of them are truly inspiring and heart-rending reading at the same time.

I truly appreciate your approach and comments on this and on integrity within the Church. If you would like my ‘inside’ take on how to counsel and how not to counsel a victim of spousal/partner abuse, I have a lengthy 6-part article on this subject at my blogsite, as well as a little bit of my personal story. I’m really glad you’re out here speaking the truth with love. There can never be too much truth or too much love in the church or in the world!

I would tell women (and men), if your spouse abuses you, then he (or she) is not pleased to live with you. Go in peace. If your spouse is a believer and does not repent after the manner set out by Jesus in Matthew 18, then treat your spouse as an unbelieving heathen. Go in peace.

I don’t have all the answers to this, but I would like for you and your readers to consider something. Encouraging the abuser and the abused back into the intimacy of their home, is like buying a keg of beer for an alcoholic. The habits that abusers take on are addicitve. They don’t just go away because people are praying for you or because the abused spouse has determined for the hundredth time that if they just do better at their Christian walk things will change. Abuse is addicitve; I believe it’s a fear response. Ignoring abuse or minimizing its effects on the abuser as well as the abused is letting a brother or sister stay lost. It’s ignoring the thing that keeps them divided from the God who can save them. You are neglecting your brother if you are ignoring this addiction. You are also sinning against the abused and become a perpetuator of the abuse if you encourage him or her that it’s not that bad.
The Church needs to confront this issue in light of the wisdom God gives us through the sciences of sociology and psychology and medicine. If you love an abuser and have concern for his soul, then don’t let him or her brush this under the rug. Don’t nod your head when he or she says “It didn’t happen like that.”