Blame Bill Kinnon. And if talk about sex bothers you, then you probably need another religion. You’re out of luck in this one.
It was the grin that really got to me.
The arrogant, know-it-all, self-confident, re-inventing the wheel, just got me some grin.
The “I am a young pastor and I know everything in the world” grin.
You were sitting there on CNN, with your wife, talking about having sex 6 out of 7 nights this week.
Your wife said it was great. (That’s a relief. Bummer if she said she would rather not be forced into daily marital relations by pastoral demand.)
And the reporters are interested, because your church isn’t talking about God. It’s talking about sex so it can talk about God.
And you’re grinning from ear to ear. You’ve got the world on a string. Or by a thong.
You’re the master of the evangelical universe. You’ve got the Bible on your side. Song of Solomon. It’s about sex. So couples, take the seven day sex challenge. Or the 30 day. Or whatever doesn’t kill you.
Women, it is time to submit! God’s will has been announced! It’s the Seven Day Sex Challenge!
Git ‘er done there Christians.
We’re sexy now. We’re having sex, yes we are. Sex. Ask me to say it again. Sex.
Here’s the message for the world this week: We’re for having sex. Lots of sex. Sex in bed. Sex in sexy lingerie. (Maybe a show at the ladies ministry this month? Yes?) Sex with the pastor’s approval.
“Amen, honey. Amen.”
The boys are coming to church now. What will grinning Ed say next? Men like this church. They can’t wait to be there…and to get home! “Go to your rooms, kids. Mom and Dad have some church stuff to do.”
“MOM AND DAD ARE DOING THE SEVEN DAY SEX CHALLENGE!!! EEEWWWW!
Will he take a cue from Pastor Mark and his hottie wife and answer texted questions about penis enlargement and various forms of non-traditional intercourse?
Song of Solomon! Whoo-hooo! We got a sexy Bible book, yes we do. We’re grinnin’!!
No wonder Ed is grinning. Everybody in Fellowship church is getting it on.
The singles can look forward to it. The disabled can pray about it. The troubled marriages can argue about it. The engaged can almost do it. The widows and widowers can remember it.
The married people can DO IT and get to talk about it. “How many days did you do it?” “Oh we did it eight.” “We only did four. Pray for us.”
The folks at church want you to know that it’s time to obey God and have seven days of AWESOME SEX! (And we also have some other stuff to talk about when we have time, but it’s not that important.)
And now, Ed, here’s something else you can grin about.
Try and preach regular sermons from the Bible now. See where the crowd is when the dog and pony show is over.
Talk about discipleship. Or stewardship. Or world hunger. Or some other sexy topic.
Also, thanks on behalf of all the normal pastors, Ed, whose people are going to be asking why their pastor isn’t talking about his sex life? Why isn’t the pastor’s wife talking about how much she enjoys sex with the pastor? Why aren’t they up there together sitting on a bed talking about sex?
If they cared about church growth they would sit on the bed and talk about how much they love to have sex every day if possible.
Guess those pastors who have too much maturity and personal humility to drop their pants in the pulpit will just have to watch those young families go down to fellowship church where the grinning pastor and his satisfied wife talk SEX.
If my pastor was forced to talk this way, he’d weep. But he’s kindof an old guy. His members should be in a megachurch anyway.
How about a little video right from the bedroom, Ed. WIth you and the wife right afterward? Wow. The Lord could really use that couldn’t he? Prayer video while everyone is a little steamed up?
Ever thought of the video production possibilities, Ed? Couples might need a little video instruction. Could be verrry profitable. Look into that.
I used to think that John Crowder- with his faux marijuana routine- was as bad as it gets in evangelicalism.
But you’ve kicked that door down. You’ve made Crowder’s “Tokin’ the Ghost” look like a seminar on exegeting Hebrews.
Brilliant move, Ed. We’ve used sex to sell everything else. Now we can use it to get people into church. Sexy sermons. Sexy wives. Sexy grins. Sex. Sex. Sex. Can’t get enough of it.
(You know, if I did this routine about my sex life in front of my high school classes, I’d get fired. What’s the deal?)
On behalf of the few thousand of us who now have no reason to remain evangelicals at all. thanks. I couldn’t be more humiliated. And whatever you’re doing, keep it in Texas.
And remember this: Joel Osteen’s is bigger than yours. Uh…his grin, that is.
Keep having sex and telling us all about it. Keep smiling. (I almost said keep it up. Boy, this is hard. Oh…sorry….)