December 12, 2017

All You Need Are Attributes: Van Til Returns!

*Music Up….swells….Voice Over*

It’s VAN TIL LIVE! The Internet Monk Radio Network Presents The BHT’s Magic Tail-Chasing Dog, Van Til, in Hippy-Emergent Christianity’s Favorite Interview and Entertainment program…..VAN TIL LIVE! And now, broadcasting live from the Boar’s Head Tavern in downtown St. Sadies, Maryland, it’s Vaaaaaaaaan Til!!

*Music Swells….Applause….more Applause…more….shouts from crowd when Van Til appears…..goes to his desk. Hops up in chair…..music up and fade to out*

VT: Hello America. I’m your host, Van Til, the BHT’s Magic Tail Chasing Dog, and you know what we love to say at the beginning of this program…”

Crowd: THE BIBLE IS TRUE!!!
VT: That’s right. The Bible is true. We’re believing that for a ten-fold return, aren’t we Stan?

Stan (Leader of Stan and The Presuppositions, the “Van Til Live” House Band): Oh yeah. Gotta go for that ten-fold return.

VT: Stan and the guys in the band got into a little trouble last week, and when that happens, your host will, of course, bail them out if I have the cash. So, in this instance, I was a little short, and not wanting Stan and the band to spend the weekend in jail without some of the consolations of the faith, I did the next best thing. I called Joel Osteen.

Stan: The O Man! The Big O! The Osteen-gasm!

VT: Right. Joel and I go way back to when he was the sound man at a little church in Tennessee, and we used to go to the same chiropractor. So I call Joel, and I said, “Could you call the jail, and maybe get permission to do a little service down there, something like you did in the Astrodome?” And he was very gracious, and said certainly. So, a day or two passes, and then Joel and the entire Lakewood crew show up at the jail downtown here in St. Sadies, and they want permission to do some kind of a “Your Best Incarceration Now” thing, and to do it Lie on cable, but for only $25 a ticket here- which is just to gurantee that everyone gets a seat. The jailer down here, however, is totally out of it and doesn’t know the biggest pastor in America, so he orders him and both 18-wheel trucks off the premises. So Stan and the band stayed in jail all week, which kept them out of trouble and is very spiritual, if you think about it.

Stan: All week. Waiting for an earthquake. Never got one.

VT: OK….let’s get to our first guest. Lots of you have been mailing and calling into the program with requests that we get this guy on, and at first, I have to admit, I thought he was a bit out there. But now that I’ve read his book and listened to a few of his sermons, I’m convinced he may be onto something. So direct from Valaquista Church in Valaquista, New Mexico, and the author of the new book “Amazing Attributes: Get Your Life Changed By Cool Stuff About God,” Dr. Bobby Josh Richardson.

*music-appluase up* Dr. Bobby Josh Richardson enters. Waves. Takes a seat. *music down–applause down*

VT: Dr. Bobby Josh….can I call you that?…glad to have you on America’s #1 theological entertainment program.

BJR: It’s great to be here. I’m a huge fan. I never miss a day. *Does barking noise “arf arf…arf*

VT: O—–kaaay. Let’s cut right to the chase. Your book says that Jesus is a lot of trouble. What do you mean?

BJR: If you think about it, probably the biggest reason our churches aren’t full is Jesus. Jesus is a pretty complicated person. I’d like for him to be simple, but he’s not simple. He says things that have to be explained. He does things that don’t make a lot of sense. I have a lot of sympathy for him, because he had a rough life, and I’m glad that things turned out well, but I think it’s time we just honestly moved on past so much interest in Jesus, and talked about what people can understand.

VT: Which you say is God…or to be more specific, “God’s Attributes.”

BJR: Exactly. I think we’ve really not emphasized the attributes of God enough. We’ve been like a football coach who put all that emphasis on a star player, and we’ve forgotten about all the other players on the team. You talk to the average Christian, and he’s going to tell you something like, “I believe in Jesus.” Well Whoop-tee-doo. “Jesus died for my sins.” And……………..what? I mean, is that it? Talk about your immaturity. It’s no wonder we’re not seeing revival.

VT: And each one of the chapters in your book goes into some characteristic of God we need to be talking about a lot more. For example…

BJR: We need to talk about God’s holiness a lot more. I mean, geee….the holiness of God scares the bejezus out of me, dawg. *punches VT* Jesus is always hanging out with sinners which is fine, but if you wanted your life changed, get down with some seriously terrifying holiness preaching. We aren’t serious, and this holiness stuff is for real. Jesus can take a day off and let’s get some of those stories where God had the earth swallow people up going on.

VT: Righteousness.

BJR: Too much soft Jesus stuff and you aren’t concerned with righteousness like you should be. I wanna be righteous. I mean I want to be more righteous than any dude in here. When Jesus says your righteousness has to exceed the Pharisees, I am down with that. I say we preach all those righteous standards till we see people’s lives change. We need to hammer that stuff into the head of this generation! LEt’s get righteous and get righteous now. What else are we doin’, y’know?

VT: Omniscience.

BJR: God knows everything. When I tell people that, I get specific. Bedroom stuff. Bathroom stuff. Internet stuff. Phone conversations. Preach that and watch ’em sweat. That will straighten ’em up.

VT: And all of this eventually brings people to the cross, right?

BJR: Well…the cross is OK, but I think people are just too used to it. What they aren’t used to is hearing that God is perfect.,,,and then freakin’ out about it. Get specific about God’s attributes and people’s lives will change in a hurry. And that’s what I’m after. I want my people to be seriously on fire about the attributes of God.

We’ve got a Living Ten Commandments thing going this year, and our choir is going to be shaped like both tablets of the law. Each commandment will get a different song, and at the end, we are going to have people sign cards pledging to keep those commandments. That’s the kind of thing that we need to be doing. And when we have the invitation to get serious with God or go to hell, I expect a rush on the altar.

VT: And….I assume you explain the cross…

BJR: You can get that message anywhere, Van Til. And when people hear that stuff all the time, and then leave the building, here’s what they think: God loves me and I can do whatever I darn well please. So CYA! Not at our church. I want people leaving our church looking over their shoulder. I want them shakin’ I want them thinking about what they’re saying and doing. I want them scared to not come back for the next service. We’re goin’ to get some some real Christianity going for once in this country. Blow the Shofar, baby!!

VT: So where do you explain about Jesus and….

BJR: All this emphasis on Jesus at the expense of getting serious about God really annoys me. I mean, what should Jesus be about? Jesus should be about seeing that the attributes of God are kickin’ serious. And if you don’t get in line with the attributes and the commandments, then you can expect that Jesus is goin’ to whoop up on your lazy butt when he comes back to do some real business this next time. WHOOOO!

VT: You’ll have to excuse me, but I thought that Jesus was….

BJR: There’s more to this, Can Til. Here’s the next step: My next book is about the Bible being perfect and why having a perfect book in your hands is the best deal around. I’m not sure a lot of believers get this one: You’ve got a perfect book with all the wisdom and knowledge of God in it. You can read it and use it for answers to anything. Now why do I get the idea that a lot of people aren’t buying this? Because they act like a bunch of sissies who are afraid of their own shadow. Listen dummy: The Bible can’t be wrong. CAN’T. It’s Inerrant. And you’ve got the Bible right there in your hands. I think you need to beat down the devil and anyone who disagrees with you or God or whatever.

Let’s act like we can’t be wrong, people!!

VT: Dr. Richardson, I was listening to a sermon of yours yesterday on this very subject, and you preached about inerrancy for over an hour, and you never mentioned Jesus once.

BJR: And….

VT: *awkward silence* Not once. Doesn’t that seem…odd?

BJR: You think Jesus isn’t getting enough time in sermons these days? Helll-ooo. I mean, go to these emergent weirdos’ churches and listen to the 24/7 Jesus stuff. Jesus this. Jesus that. Where’s God? I mean WHERE IS GOD and his attributes? Where is all the scarey stuff about God that will shake up your rebellious teenager? I’ve got nothing against Jesus, but we need to get things back into balance before it’s too late.

VT: And then I’ve read a number of things you’ve written, and you write as if the Gospel- and correct me if I’m wrong- the Gospel is simply the attributes of God, and not the Good News of Jesus Christ.

BJR: I think that phrase “Good News of Jesus Christ” is extremely misunderstood, don’t you? It’s as if the rest of the Bible doesn’t matter. Who said that a few verses here and there should outweigh all the chapters and chapters about God’s attributes. What do you think God wants us to know more about? I’ll tell you…God wants us to know that he’s holy, perfect, righteous, a judge, sovereign, omnipotent, omniscient….

VT: I think I’ve got the picture, and I hope the audience does, too. We’ll say good-bye to Dr. Billy Josh Richardson…

BJR: ….mighty, omnipresent, faithful, unmoved, glorious….

VT: …and we’ll be back with some “Stupid Youth Ministry Tricks” that you won’t believe.

BJR:…..loving (but don’t overdo that because people get all confused about that), pure, absolutely in control, awesome…..

*music up-appluase up- and out*

Comments

  1. mort_chien says:

    Hey, how about letting this obviously uneducated, unwashed gentile in on the joke. What is the reference to van Til all about and why is it supposed to be funny. I assume Cornelius van Til is referred to, but knowing almost nothing about him, the joke falls flat. So humor me, please.
    Thank you,
    Mort

  2. Van Til showed up at the BHT a year ago when a good fellow continually used certain aspects of presuppositionalism to attempt to end run all discussions. IOWs, “The Bible is True” was the mantra for all HIS positions. I am something of a presuppositionalist, but not in a way that says quoting a verse ends all discussion.

    But the name Van Til isn’t part of the joke on those spoofy radio show pieces. It’s just the name of the dog.