October 19, 2017

A Letter to Agent #6

I recently solicited pieces on Pat Robertson’s “Chavez Assassination Plot.” Here’s a humorous take by BHT fellow Joel Hunter

secreta.jpgNSA Chief Phelps: the following transmission was intercepted and translated by our field operative in Virginia Beach

No. 6,

Well done, Agent 6! I wanted to personally thank you on behalf of the glorious republic and to inform you that I am sponsoring your nomination for the following commendations:

Hero of the Federal Republic of Venezuela
Cavalier of the Order of Glory
Order of Bolivar
Order of the Liberator
Medal for Cundinamarca
Star for the Regeneration of the State

You will no doubt marvel that I am breaking with tradition as the head of state in becoming your personal sponsor for these well-deserved awards. But you have earned them brilliantly in going above and beyond the call of duty. I would like to take this opportunity to tell you just how effective your tireless work has been.

You will recall my earlier doubts about your strategy for bringing honor to our revolution and simultaneously driving American Christians further down the road of irrelevance. How wrong I was!

As for the first victory, you will be gratified by the new respect expressed all over the hemisphere. From Punta Arenas to Tijuana the real American people are praising our person and nation as the proud beacon of defiance to the imperialist Northerners. But I should have trusted you. For you were merely following the well-worn precedent of former extreme rightists in using excessive remarks, ploys and grandstanding to drive the ordinary people to our side. Who can forget the incredible success of the old Soviet agents Joseph McCarthy and Roy Cohn? Which two people did more to encourage ordinary Americans to demand that her government stop looking for Communists in her midst and to reconsider the benefits of centralized planning and statist socialism? Yes, you follow in a great tradition. No single person, No. 6, has done as much as you to raise the consciousness of the ordinary Venezuelan, Argentinean, Bolivian, Panamanian, and Mexican to our side. What a glorious reception awaits you when your identity can be revealed!

As for the second victory, you have proven yourself over many years to be a skilled saboteur of Christian influence in the imperialist North. You are a true artist in your medium, No. 6. With every telecast, every book, every appearance, you weave a tapestry of absurdity that even the densest Northerner can see (and we know how very dense they are, don’t we comrade?). Ten Offenses! Courting Disaster! Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant! And the average Northerner becomes ever more vigilant to disregard the servant-minded Christians who would genuinely act on their “love your neighbor” principle. Yes, you are removing many impediments to the great march of secular progress. I’m glad you’re on our side!

I hope in the salad years of your retirement you will write a manual for the younger agents on how to keep so many people willing to build your empire and give so much of their attention and energy to your cause. As for now, stay strong. A grateful nation thanks you. I thank you. You have rightfully taken your place in a long line of heroes. It is fitting to remind you of the words of that other great soldier for the international revolution, our beloved Che: “Let the flag under which we fight be the sacred cause of the liberation of humanity.”

Your comrade and benefactor,

Hugo Chavez Frias

(for the Asamblea Nacional)

Comments

  1. Excellent. Now all we need is a letter from Screwtape as well.

  2. LOL!

  3. I wonder, while we are having our giggles, how many more Christians Hugo Chavez’s acquaintance Fidel Castro has sent to prison since Robertson made his remarks? Moses spoke unadvisedly with his lips, and he died within sight of the Promised Land. I feel sorry for this man who has pioneered so much of Christian broadcasting, through which so many millions around the world have been led to the Lord, who may be missing so much of what God has for him in his later years because he sometimes says stupid things.

  4. Jeremiah Lawson says:

    http://www.cbn.com/about/pressrelease_hugochavez.asp

    Great. He says he didn’t say he called for an assasination but that it’s still a pretty good idea if someone else wants to actually do it and he cites Bonhoeffer in his defense. I’m sure Hugo Chavez has brought war to three continents, too.

  5. >Excellent. Now all we need is a letter from
    >Screwtape as well.

    Nya Ha Ha, My Dear Wormwood…