July 29, 2017

A Few Study Bibles Coming Out Later This Year

UPDATE: Looks like there’s more than I thought.

Many in the Internetmonk.com audience may not know that the English Standard Version Study Bible is not the only Study Bible that’s been in the works,. Before Christmas, expect to see some of these study Bibles appearing on bookstore shelves and in cyber bookstalls near you.

The Phil Johnson “PoMotivator” Study Bible. Blogging curmudgeon Phil Johnson brings his pomotivator magic to a study Bible that once and for all points out the errors of emerging church theology and David Crowder’s haircare. With more than 250 new pomotivators scattered throughout the old and new testaments, Bible students can appreciate how Paintshop Pro and biting sarcasm can open up the scriptures.

The Tim Challies Clearly Canadian Discernment Study Bible. With over 200,000 calm, reasonable and trustworthy notes, this Study Bible is perfect with a cup of coffee and a donut at Tim Horton’s. A special chart of scripture references pertaining to hockey makes this unique study Bible a perfect gift for those hockey moms in your family. A special liveblogging feature allows you to access this study Bible from whatever conference you are attending.

The Al Mohler Encyclopedic Punditry Study Bible. Here’s a study Bible with a unique approach. It has hundreds of special essays that have almost nothing to do with the Bible at all. Enjoy essays on Adam Smith, NASA and recent developments in carpentry. A special feature of this study Bible is the ability to blog your thoughts on each passage immediately as you read it. This study Bible also comes with 5 full-time research assistants.

The Abraham Piper 22 Words Study Bible. A new and highly efficient study Bible for busy people who need all of Christian scripture encapsulated in a couple of sentences. (Not recommended for Steve Camp.)

The Steve Hays Study Bible. The completion of this Bible has been temporarily halted while the world’s forests are replanted.

The Jared Wilson Stay-At-Home-Dad Study Bible. (Not available in Seattle.) This study Bible highlights domestic skills, parenting and cleaning tips, all from the guy’s point of view. This controversial study Bible also has profiles of famous stay at home men, like Jacob and David.

Van Til’s Animals in Scripture Study Bible. Evangelicalism’s favorite dog says “The Bible is true!” But he also opens up the scriptures for animal lovers with special sections on animals and the essential role they play in God’s redemptive plan. Here’s Balaam’s ass, Joseph’s donkey, the dog who returned to its own vomit and the little foxes that spoil the vines. More than 300 animal illustrations make this a great Bible to share with the grandchildren and your own pets.

The “Reason for a Study Bible” Study Bible, edited by Tim Keller. Every book of the Bible is introduced with an insightful and erudite essay by Tim Keller. Enjoy “The Reason for Haggai” and “The Reason for Philemon.” In the back, learn about things for which there are no reasons, like corn as a vegetable with pizza and Sunday night church. A special Keller fan section edited by Steve McCoy is found in the back. Available in New York only. (Truly Reformed purchasers must show ID.)

The Mark Driscoll R-Rated Study Bible for Dudes. Freak out your reformed Baptist friends with Mark Driscoll’s comedic, rude and radically male centered interpretations of scripture. This is a study Bible that reaches the emerging culture while denouncing the emerging church. A fashion section helps you to see the scriptural mandates for mechanic’s shirts and hemp necklaces. Puzzlingly endorsed by John Piper, an alternative sheet of negative endorsements from various reformed bloggers is available on request. Profanity in red letters. Crude and shocking sexual episodes in blue. Bible doctrine is related to MMA throughout.

The Paula White “What the….” Study Bible. Learn that if you’re an evangelical hottie, you can find just about anything in the Bible. Discover the 25 reasons Matthew 25 is the key to receiving $25,000 to give as a seed in 2025. Special notes include “Divorce? Phhhhht,” “Sounding like T.D. Jakes but looking a lot better,” “Ministering With Your Ex-Husband,” and “Making God Look Good in My Escalades.” Available in charismaniac or evangelical ebonics versions.

The Boar’s Head Tavern Study Bible, edited by Matthew Johnson and Bill Mackinnon. Over 300,000 notes that never agree with each other. Dark pages and dark ink. Special sections on Beer in the Bible, Dead Horses of Scripture and Why God Wants Comments Closed. Picture of Farah Fawcett in the maps section. Comes in Angry Lutheran, Squishy Emerging, Credobaptist Presbyterian and Unhuggable Baptist versions. Purchases must include 20% tip.

The Internet Monk Mongrels and Evangelicals Study Bible. Learn how to be a hamster on an evangelism wheel. Study great, fat, bald people of the Bible. Be wretchedly urgent with help from all 66 books. Over 55,000 comments from Catholic apologists determined to convert you. Read uncomfortably honest details of the Monk’s personal life in the Confessional section. Special podcast CD with all 115 podcasts included. Special section on Robert Capon as the key to the scriptures. Comes signed by N.T. Wright and with a response by well known therapist Dr. Frank Turk. Special Jesus shaped edition available for a donation.

Comments

  1. Now that right there is funny!

    Thanks for this.

    Wyman

  2. OMGollies, this is hilarious! Or, is it very, very serious? Can’t quite figure out which. I definitely need to order me a copy of The “Reason for a Study Bible” Study Bible, edited by Tim Keller, so I can discover why I still have to go to Sunday nite and Wednesday PM services…

    Maybe he’ll have a “reasons for building programs” section as an appendix? Hope so!

  3. I’m dyin’! Talk about whetting my appetite for more Scripture and opening it up for all the rest of us.

    If I could get my hands on the BHTSB (with notes edited by the Pirate) or the IMMaESB I would be a happy dude this Christmas.

    My kids have asked for the Van Til Animals Bible on CD/DVD to load onto their Nanos. Except for the teenage son who wants an illustrated Paula White Study Bible for some reason. I’m gonna have to talk to that boy.

  4. WenatcheeTheHatchet says:

    After the forests of the world have been replanted the SECOND copy of the Steve Hays study Bible can be printed. Either that or some special domain existing only for his study bible will exist, comparable to the ending ca for websites in Canada.

  5. I’m honored.

  6. Two Words: Review Copy.

  7. I really want that Driscoll Bible. Wonder if he’ll trade me for one of mine.

  8. Seriously funny… umm… you know what I mean.

  9. “The Phil Johnson ‘PoMotivator’ Study Bible.”

    This was the first thing I saw in the condensed post before clicking on “continue reading”. I didn’t think what followed would be as funny, but they were.

    Say, we need a Harold Camping study bible, too!

  10. How big of a donation is required?

  11. Headless Unicorn Guy says:

    Can’t get any stranger than a Dake’s…

  12. Bible students can appreciate how Paintshop Pro and biting sarcasm can open up the scriptures.

    Michael, I need your address so I can send you the bill for the replacement keyboard and monitor screen. Spit-takes are heck on laptops.

  13. I am very concerned® and deeply troubled® that you have omitted the Steve Camp Truly Reformed™ Study Bible.

    For the fanboys, the Flame of Fire animated video study bible will be playing in 2009 on Channel Frederator in place of Nite Fite.

  14. Frank, did any “good friend[s] and pastor[s]” contribute to that first one?

  15. Jeremiah Lawson says:

    the dog who returns to its vomit … awesome. I hope there’s a special side bar for the two sparrows that cost a penny!

  16. Can’t stop laughing! Hilarious!

  17. Tha’s purty funny – classic stuff. I want the Internet Monk version… as long as the Denise Spencer deuterocanonical appendix is included – ha!

  18. Pure win.

  19. Nice one, Spence! 🙂

  20. Okay, so I fell for the PoMotivator Study Bible one completely, and tried to Google it.

    I’d also totally pay for the Driscoll Bible for Dudes.

    This post is awesome.

  21. Jeremiah Lawson says:

    It should come with a bacon-scented bookmark. 🙂

  22. Brilliant.

  23. *applause*

  24. Is there a special price if I buy all 12?

  25. Beautiful 🙂

  26. HIL-AR-I-OUS!

  27. Very Funny!

  28. HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

  29. As a stay at home dad…i will have plenty of time to dig into driscoll’s new study bible…thanks imonk
    😉

  30. Prayer of Jabez is answered – all the best bibles are finally available !

    p.s. I have been looking for a Purpose Driven
    bible or a Mega-ego Church growth bible ! Should I check with my Shiny Christians bookseller ???

  31. If I weren’t sitting in Panera definitely would be laughing out loud!

  32. Morgan,
    I think I saw a Purpose Driven Bible at Walmart today. It was either that or the Joel Osteen version with ellipses in all the verses that don’t read “right” for the message in the original version.

  33. Humor alert:

    I’m waiting for the “Just Read the Bible, Study Bible.” It has over 55,000 footnotes that criticize the reader for reading footnotes.

  34. I’ll take one of then there iMonk Bibles. That does come in a campus edition, does it not? 8)

    +Timothy

  35. iMonk, thank you for your kind shout-out.

    For the Animals in Scripture Study Bible, don’t forget the four horses from Revelation 6 and the birds of Revelation 19:21 (a great opportunity to discuss pre-mill, post-mill and a-mill to the kiddos, IMO).

  36. Dave McFadden says:

    I think I’ll wait for the N.T.Wright new perspective study bible

  37. I want a “relevant” Bible study that asks “relevant” questions and never gives an answer, let alone a “relevant” answer. The Bible study would only be “relevant” to certain group of “relevant” people, but that’s neither here nor there.

    Maybe the “relevant” study Bible could include an earbuds jack so I can listen to an accompanied podcast “relevant” to each book and topic, that still gives no answers, just more “relevant” discussion on the aforementioned “relevant” topics. And if you disagree with me then it’s obvious that this is not “relevant” to you.

  38. “Grins for the Day Study Bible- all the comedy and none of the tragedy. ” Keep watching for the Musical.

    Levity aside, the operative word here is ‘study.’

    II Timothy 2:15 admonishes, “Study to show yourself approved unto God, a workman that needs not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.”

    Appreciated the creativity . . . I’m still grinning!

  39. Genius. Laughing at the Driscoll Bible. Do you have a second installment in you?

  40. BRAVO!!!
    Made my day

  41. What about the
    Steve Camp Disser’s Study Bible: 25,000 notes on well exegeted passages on how to diss a theological opponent, or anyone for that matter.