October 17, 2017

A Few Book Ideas I’m Working On

I’m sure everyone knows I’m working on book proposals and hoping for good news soon. In the meantime, I wanted to share with you some of the book ideas I’ve got in my notebook. I have to make some decisions soon because I can’t write them all.

Let’s see what the reading public has to say.

The Snack: The Snack is the story of a man who receives a message from God in a Little Debbie oatmeal cake and is told by God to meet him at the Montgomery Biscuits’ stadium for a weekend series. There God appears to him as an umpire, a vendor and a little kid who keeps kicking his seat.

This Is Your Best Wife? Wow: This book helps husbands do all the little things that will change their wives from dowdy church matrons to hot pastorettes. Special section on how to behave on an airplane.

The Institutions of the Christian Religion: This two-volume work on various institutions may be published in time for my 53rd birthday, and my fans all over the world could study it for a year.

2009 Reasons Jesus Probably Won’t Return in 2009: Self explanatory. We’ve got a lot of important things going on.

Christless Christianity: A hot new church growth idea!

Angels and Deacons: A story of the struggle that goes on between good pastors and bad church leaders, featuring a full examination of the strange, cryptic, symbolic things deacons say in their meetings, like “Someone needs to go by the nursing home” and “Who keeps taking my pencils?”

I’m Sick Of All This Purpose Driven Crap: If you don’t get this, I can’t help you.

Twilight: The Christian Version: Christian vampires in Arkansas have been living peacefully in their out-of-the-way compound until one of them starts a CCM group and falls for a groupie. Lots of scenes of the young lady admiring her vampire boyfriend’s ESV Study Bible and protecting her from liberal Methodists.

Exposing The Scandal of Christian Stay-At-Home Dads: In the midst of a complementarian revival, some men refuse to take off the apron and put down the diapers. This book will examine the damage being done to Christian children whose mothers are doctors and whose dads stay home to cook and care for them.

Mark Driscoll’s Really Awful Sermons on The Song of Solomon Illustrated: Available under the counter. ID required.

N.T. Wright Is A Cross-Dressing Communist Sissy Who Cheats At Scrabble And Really Worships The Devil: I’d serve as editor for this serious and dispassionate examination of N.T. Wright by various well-known reformed bloggers.

Jesus Wants You Rich! And Driving A Porsche! With Two Hot Blonds Inside!: A basic guide to American approaches to discipleship.

My Journey to Cleveland, Tennessee: With all the “My Journey To Rome” type books, I thought I could convert to a well known Pentecostal denomination, and describe the various steps in the process. “I found myself strangely drawn to the idea of pushing people until they fell on the carpet.”

How to Waste Time Watching TV and Movies and Call It “Sermon Research.”: Again, self-explanatory.

I Really Love Cold Buttermilk: I don’t think anyone has done this one yet.

Love Is An Irritation: A Christian young man has three friends reveal that they’re gay, so he begins a ministry to be as irritating to as many gays as possible in revenge. Soon is speaking in churches all over the midwest.

Any ideas?

Comments

  1. The ESP Study Bible

    Wait, I can sense your reactions already!

  2. “The Furtive Driven Life” — How to keep your faith so secret that even God won’t know you’re a Christian.

    “How to Sell Your Surplus Spiritual Gifts on E-Bay.” — A must-read how-to book on making money from your unwanted spiritual gifts on E-Bay.

    “The Book of Discord.” — The role of the Book of Concord in the denominational politics of the LCMS.

    “Casting the First Stone.” — How to purge yourself of sin so that you can cast the first stone without guilt.

  3. sue kephart says:

    Sounds like Kenny must be a Lutheran. Once we had a new young pastor who could have written Kenny’s book. I told him keep saying that and you won’t have any ushers next Sunday or a pay check on Monday.
    imonk, most of your ideas are male oriented how about something for the women?

    ‘Interdenominational potluck cookbook’
    including secret Buddhist instructions on
    how to eat rice with chop sticks

  4. son of adam says:

    Justavacation – Introduces a fresh reading of Paul as revealed through his adventures and encounters with native peoples during his recently discovered 4th trip throughout the eastern Mediterranean area.

  5. son of adam says:

    Justavacation – with introductions by N.T.Wright, and
    our friends at The New Perspective on Paul.

  6. ProdigalSarah says:

    Tomato Soup for the Fundamentalist Christian Vegetarian’s Soul: Heartburning and Truly Annoying Stories about always being right (These stories were rejected from The Chicken Soup series.

    Right Behind: A Companion Series to the ‘Left Behind’ Series. An absolute must for your library if you want to display the whole Behind.

  7. I thought that said “Crestless Christianity,” which reminds me that I forgot to brush my teeth this morning. I and all my coworkers thank you.

  8. Parsifal says:

    Your Next Life, Now! Jack Kevorkian gets saved and promotes a New Perspective on more than just Paul/

  9. I love all of them. Funny. Look out W.Door.

    I have one more: “Crazy to Blog; How I grew up as one of the Elect, wrote hundreds of excellent blog pages on it . . . then reached for my Mountain Dew, bumped the keyboard and accidentally deleted the whole damn thing.”

  10. My favorite?

    The post-millennial Reformed series

    “Still Here”

  11. Orthodox beards: their care and upkeep

    Swinging the wild censer, synchronized censer swinging for the rhythm impaired.

    Evangelical put-downs how to make sure no non-Orthodox ever listens to you.

    Monastic chanting for the ADD generation five simple chants that can be done in five seconds.

  12. I know someone posted this already but Eugene Cho’s list is pretty hilarious. We should take internetmonk’s list, our contributions, and his list and make a master list!

    http://eugenecho.wordpress.com/2009/03/07/the-most-anti-essential-christian-books/

  13. Absolutely hilarious, both the original post and comments. Here’s a couple more for your consideration:

    The Hair of Jabez
    –Man discovers obscure OT reference to Levitical hair standards. Makes millions off book and theme-related shampoos, conditioners and mousse and a chain of beauty salons.

    Smear Christianity
    –Watchbloggers strip away the cultural and historical Christian “add-ons” through combination of innuendo, rumor, misunderstanding and out-of-context quotes. They start with Joel Osteen and Brian McLaren and work backward through Christian history, eventually coming to the conclusion that “Calvin, Luther and Augustine were probably not truly elect, and frankly we’re not so sure about some of the Apostles, either.”

  14. Parsifal says:

    Certainty and Ridicule: Tips for Winsome Evangelism in the Age of Obama

  15. Bypass the book altogether .
    Go straight to a slick quarterly magazine. Subscription rates would be a bargain at 47.oo/year.
    Imagine all the Imonk books and junk you could feed to your subscribers !
    Book discounts to subscribers.
    Sign up for book “futures” !

    The best thing is you will have your heavily airbrushed photo appear on every issue.

  16. How to Win, Be Thin, and Feel Good When You Sin

    Lonely as a Good Man on the Lifetime Movie Network

    I Kissed Baiting Good-bye (how a man gave up fishing for fist and started fishing for men)

    Saddleback Mountain

    American Idolatry – Yes, You CAN be a Goddess on Your Wedding Day

  17. “The 5 Loathe Languages: The Different Ways Men and Women Hate Each Other” by Gary Chapman

  18. Toward a New Theology of Whatever: If I Don’t Publish SOMETHING I’ll Never Get Tenure

  19. Sue, I think Michael has done something for us ladies with the two hot blonds (not blondes) and a Porsche.

    In fact, keep the Porsche, just give me the hot blonds 😉

  20. Martha,

    You keep the blonds, and I will take one left behind ebony haired one, and one red head.

    😉

  21. New movie idea:

    “Waterproof”…Caleb and his young bride dive in to evangelical Christianity without getting that pesky living water all over them.

  22. sue kephart says:

    OK, Martha,
    I’ll take the Porsche.

    How about a book about that age old question everyone keeps asking:

    Is the Pope Catholic?

  23. Am I the AntiChrist? A brief survey for attractive, brilliant men of middle-eastern and Mediterranean origins who find themselves compelled to establish a one world government. Also for popes!

  24. “The Coming Evangelical Eclipse: The Celestial Bodies and Their Meaning for the Future of Evangelicalism in America”

  25. son of adam says:

    “The Blue Paraclete” – John Piper’s critical review of Scot McKnight’s “The Blue Parakeet”.

  26. son of adam says:

    “So you don’t want to go to Starbuck’s anymore” – written for those in the post-emergent movement.

  27. “Wild at Hearth: The Godly Adventure of Being a Stay-At-Home Dad”

    (I realize this conflicts with your existing title on stay-at-home dads but your publisher will appreciate your widened appeal)

    If you need a sequel to your first book, you could write a follow-up for clergy:

    “The Pastoral Challenge of Stay-at-Home Dads: Is Discipline Enough?”

  28. Crucifried: Devotionals for Fast-Food Employees

  29. Unequally Yoked: Learning to pray through your baking mistakes

  30. Gimme That Old Time Religion, Just Make It New Age

  31. What about some family friendly fare? I don’t think my kids will get to read some of those books. Now that Veggietales is branching out into literary classics, maybe you can contract to write some new episodes, such as:

    Veggietales: War and Peas

    Junior Asparagusavitch learns to trust God during the great war between the “red” vegetables and the “white” vegetables, where everyone is in danger from weapons of mass digestion.

    Veggietales: Midnight Snack

    Laura Carrot learns the true meaning of loving our neighbors when her new next-door neighbor turns out to be a veggie-vampire.

    Silly Songs with Larry–Revival Get-down!

    Larry takes on CCM with his hilarious renditions of “My Llama is an Awesome Llama” and “Breakfast (I’m a cucumber, not toast)”, while Boyz’n’the’Sink perform Kirk Franklin’s “Chomp.”

  32. Sanctification For Dummies (how to use ventriloquism as a discipling tool)….

    Speaking in Tongs (the believer’s quest for the Holy Grill)

  33. “Casting the First Stone.” — How to purge yourself of sin so that you can cast the first stone without guilt.

    People would buy this.

  34. Teenage Mutant Ninja Tertullion says:

    [Mod edit] And Betty Bower from Landover Baptist Church has a link to “Rex Ray the Ex-Gay” (from a ministry called “Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals”). I like the “2009” idea…but do people still remember the original from 1988? (Other than Bart Ehrman, who gives it the shout-out.)

    I think a book about the Second Coming could work, if you show non-Christians and liberal Christians working together to resist the angelic invasion. Kind of like “V” (that old miniseries about reptillian aliens, now being remade). Or a Jack Chick comic, but from the point of view of the other side.

    Unfortunately, it’s hard to satirize stuff that’s already so out-there. See the book “Are You Rapture Ready?” which surveys various forms of evangelical kitch.

  35. How about this?

    Christian Paganism: An extensive historical study of how those Christian rites and rituals that were originally derived from ancient pagan culture have come to influence the practices of today’s neopagans.

    And, by the way, imonk, I’ve heard that you’re doing a seminar at Cornerstone this year. If this is true, I’ll have to check it out. And, if you want, you can drop by the RV village for Tommy and Rebecca’s yearly deep fried turkey love feast.

  36. Well, wouldn’t it be fun to write “The Book of Love”?

    Then whenever anyone’s singing that song, you could stop them and say, “I did!”

    … or maybe I’m the only one who’s ever dreamed of that.

    Anyway …

    “The Book of Life”: and the fun will be in NOT listing certain people.

    “The Blueberry Muffin Gospel”: no one knows the word “ragamuffin,” anyway.

    “The Lyin’ Witch in the Wardrobe”: … if you dare parody C. S. Lewis. (Note how I post this with a pseudonym!)

    “The Screwed-Up Letters”: blaming all typos on Satan … again, if you dare challenge Lewis.

  37. I just thought of one last night…

    “The Left-in-the-Behind Series” on good hermeneutics, subtitled, “How to stop pulling proof-texts out of your a$$”

  38. Ron, I am moderting two panels. Where’s the turkey?

  39. “Introduction to the Devout Wife”: A Catholic guide to dating for men 🙂

  40. imonk, I’ll slip you a map and all the details at the festival.

  41. And, by the way, what exactly is “moderting” and how do you do it in a panel format?

  42. dumb ox says:

    “Tweak on Sanctification”: a clear explanation on why a Holy Spirit empowered daily battle against the flesh, devil, and the world system is considered “weak on sanctification” and the revivalist notion of instantaneous sanctification based upon subjective, esoteric experiences is considered strong.

  43. Cornelius says:

    Here are a few:

    Blue Like Stupid Blue Things

    A New Kind of Dumb

    Adventures in Missing the Point of Missing the Point

    This is a Christian Book Not Worth Reading

    This is a Christian Book

    Misquoting Jesus Is the Title of This Book Because I’m Trying to Make a Buck

    The God Delusion: I am an Idiot

    God is not Great, No, He is Beyond Comprehension and Blows My F—ing Mind

  44. alvin_tsf says:

    “Red like Rock n’Roll”

    the rants and raves of a former youth pastor talking about the collapse of a movement (which he is still a part of) and continuously criticiziong intellectuals (those whose belief statement can be summarized in a flower) in the movement while talking about love in his blog…. isn’t it ironic?

  45. alvin_tsf says:

    “The Furious Longing of a Monk”

    a pity party of a book about a scholar who believes in his diversity and opennes to all faith except of course those “knights of the reformed orthodoxy”…these people are really really really evil….tulip believer? tsk tsk tsk…

  46. pentamom says:

    “At first, I resisted the idea of falling down on the carpet. All my life, I’d been told by my Baptist friends that falling down on the carpet was of the devil. But one day, Brother Blowdry challenged me: Would you want to miss out on what God has for you in being pushed onto the carpet? So I decided that I would pray about it every day for a week, and ask God to show me the truth about carpet-pushing. The next Wednesday night, I went to the Deliverance from the Devil Tabernacle Inc., (Cleveland, Tennessee) and as I walked through the door, asked God to show me the truth about carpets. All at once, three people came over and started pushing. As I fell, I felt a sense of knowing that I’d never experienced before. I’d realized that all those years that I kept trying to stay upright in church I was really just being stubborn and thinking I knew better than everyone else. My prayer life has been so deepened. I really get excited now, every time I see a carpet.”

  47. Cappuccinos for Christ: How Opening a Coffee Bar in the Church Lobby Enhances the Gospel (free Starbucks apron included)