November 22, 2017

A few laughs with the Boar’s Head staff

Steve McFarland is our correspondent in the public schools, where he actually earns a modest living at taxpayer’s expense.
Eric Rigney works in Higher Education. Now that’s funny. And also a drain on the taxpayer. He writes on culture.
Bart Campbell is an angry Scot who writes whatever he xxxx well pleases, but earns a living by the sweat of his brow.
Michael Spencer is the editor of IM and recently hit his head on a tree.
Today’s format here at the Boar’s Head is to toss back a few, then send some questions around for everyone to offer up their insights.

• • •

Someone please explain the sad demise of MacDonald’s

Bart: Well obviously because they have duped the American people by using Beef Tallow in the cooking of their French fries. This is just another example of corporate America trying to subjugate the little guy. Seriously, there would appear to be three possible reasons for this decline:

The American people have really come to understand exactly how horrible Mickey Dee’s is for the body. I doubt that this has ANYTHING to do with it as the percentage of overweight Americans continues to rise. The other possibility is that their products are becoming too diverse and passé. As they attempt to broaden the scope of their market offering, they neglect the products that carried them around the world. Mickey Dee’s is always in the process of test marketing some new product in various areas of the world. Maybe it is time to turn their focus back to that which brought them so much success. I really don’t thing the ¼ Pounder is ever going to hit in India. Further, I believe that they view themselves as holding the status of one of the inalienable wrights mentioned in the constitution. In their eyes, they are Mc Donald’s, say no more.

Eric: COCKINESS AND Eric: A FALSE SENSE OF INVULNERABILITY. I HEARD YESTERDAY THAT SUBWAY NOW HAS THE MOST FAST-FOOD LOCATIONS, SURPASSING THE GOLDEN ARCHES. AND IF YOU NOTICE, SUBWAY IS MARKETING THEIR STUFF LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW. IT DOESN’T MAKE me GO THERE, BUT IT SEEMS TO BE WORKING IN A BROADER SENSE. MCDONALD’S IS OLD NEWS IN THE CONSUMERS’ MINDS. HOW MANY WAYS CAN YOU MARKET A BIG MAC? (Michael: Why are you writing in caps Eric? Is something wrong?)

Steve: My only guess is that they lost my business last week when the drive-through extended ten car lengths and the restaurant lines were out the door. Service is so bad it can’t be considered fast food. They should go back to cooking their burgers two days in advanced and placing them under heat lamps.

Michael: When you put the word “Mc” in front of everything, people become afraid. I mean “McSex” sounds bad. They just have to face it- in the public mind, they are as low as you can go, so they have to take it and make it work. Negative ads on Burger King. “They spit on the fries. I swear. Look…” Special guests beating the crap out of the MacDonald’s characters. Taking credit for the death of certain competitors. They are nasty, so they gotta go with nasty. Feature the grease. Ridicule salads. Say our people are ugly. Show those dirty fingernails. C’mon Mickey Dees- get DOWN on the GROUND!

If Hillary Clinton Runs for President in 2004, what is the campaign slogan?

Bart: I promise to never have sex in the Whitehouse (not that anything would change since the last time I was there.).

Eric: I AM A HUMORLESS, BITTER, HATEFUL MENOPAUSAL WOMAN ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN — WHO BETTER TO FIGHT TERRORISM? (Michael: Eric, what is with the all caps? Do you need to go to the restroom?)

Steve: “It takes a village of Clinton’s to run this country”. Her platform will be to emphasize how America is such a land of opportunity in that a mid-level female lawyer with blinding ambition, thick ankles, and a womanizing husband can make it to the White House. (And we thought Lincoln was an overachiever).

Michael: Bart took mine. But I do think if you dropped that lady down some holes in Afghanistan Osama and gang would come running out like rats on fire. And has anyone added Buddy the dog to the list of Clinton friends who have moved to the great beyond? ANd for the record, I think those ankles are hot.

Being conspiratorially minded for a moment, what really happened with that “choking on a pretzel” incident?

Bart: I am not suspicious. However, if I were one to seek out the conspiracy theory in everything, I would imagine that “W” grabbed a bag of pretzels out of the cabinet and hastily began to eat. Not noticing the post-it stuck to the back of the bag stating, “ Steph, make sure and give this bag of pretzels to Vincent Foster…I heard he was just dying to try them. Bill”

Eric: I THOUGHT ABOUT BEING SUSPICIOUS, BUT I FIGURED, WHO WOULD MAKE UP that STORY?? ISN’T THIS THE GOVERNMENT THAT CAN MAKE UP WHOPPERS TO COVER UFO SIGHTINGS AND POLITICAL SCANDALS AND MURDERS? AND A PRETZEL STORY IS ALL THEY COULD COME UP WITH? NO, I THINK IT WAS REAL. IN FACT, I ALMOST THINK THEY should have COME UP WITH A LIE — A STORY THAT WASN’T QUITE AS LAME. (Michael: You know Eric, these caps convey a lot of hostility. Is everything all right at home?)

Steve: The bizarre thing about this is I think it actually happened as he said. The problem with Bush is either he is honest to a fault or needs a better spin machine. Clinton would have said he passed out after giving mouth to mouth to a dying cancer patient in Harlem who lacked proper health care.

Michael: Bush is da man, y’know, but… he is also the kind of person who would accidentally kill himself with a toothbrush. I like the idea of his dogs sitting there. He says they were heroic. What is heroic about dogs sitting there watching you die? They’re waiting to see if you’re dead- then they are going to eat you. But isn’t it great to have a president so dull he is laying around the White House watching ball games and eating Pretzels? I love it. We can only guess what Clinton would be doing with a few extra moments alone.

After Black History Month, what next?

Bart: I think we need to do a month for each predominant culture within our society.

We could have Anglo-Saxon history month. This month could focus on the way that the peaceful pagan tribal societies of early Europe were destroyed by the increasing scope of the evil Christians and how the evil of Christianity has propagated itself throughout the world by decimating and enslaving other indigenous cultures

Next we should have Asian history month. This month could focus on the vast and ancient insight that exists in the many wonderful and peaceful religious traditions of the area.

We’ll have Hispanic history month as soon as all American children are fluent in Spanish. This would enable them to really get it, I mean think of it, Hispanic history month done completely in Spanish…I just get all tingly when I consider it.

Finally, there should be a Middle Eastern history month. The focus of this line of study would be an open and frank discussion of the way the Jewish people have taken advantage of the people groups of the area throughout history.

Eric: MIDGET SWISS ALEUTIAN HAIRLIP PARAPLEGIC LACTOSE INTOLERANT MENTALLY CHALLENGED LAPSED NUNS IN DRAG. (Michael- Is anyone tired of BEING YELLED AT???? BEING SHOUTED AT IN ALL CAPS?????)

Steve: It is time to celebrate midgets in the world. Midget history month will bring awareness to the plight of the vertically challenged. We should study their history from Zacchaeus to the munchkin years all the way to “Mini-Me.”

Michael: Fat people history month. I mean, look at the overlooked contribution of fat people. They stimulate the economy by eating. And I would like to say that the terms “hairlip” and “midget” are shockingly offensive and not at all appropriate in a classy establishment like the Boar’s Head. And coming from two guys whose salaries are paid by the taxpayers of this country…well, I am just offended and I think both of you need to prepare for a battery of lawsuits. Now, back to fat people….

What Praise and Worship Chorus makes you want to scream?

Bart: I think the chorus “Shout to the Lord” would qualify as a definite nausea producing stimuli. I mean really, do you have to shout to God for him to really get how thankful, grateful, worshipful, and genuine that your praise is? Please! I think if I can pray silently and genuinely (by the way, don’t attempt to do this during the praise and worship session of the service, as you won’t be able to hear yourself think. Odds are, the worship leader will be in the midst of telling you what to be thankful for, so a loud AMEN! Will be sufficient) to myself, God will hear me.

Eric: “OH JESUS I’M SORRY, I DIDN’T WANT TO HURT YOU…” AAAAACH! NOW I HAVE TO LISTEN TO ACID ROCK OR SOMETHING TO GET THAT TRIPE OUT OF MY HEAD! (Michael: GO AWAY ERIC- FAR AWAY SO WE WON’T THINK YOU ARE SHOUTING ANYMORE.)

Steve: All of them that are repeated more than twice.

Michael: Is there a chorus called “As the Dog Pants for Water?” I don’t like that one. Actually, I find myself more irritated the more the word “I” is used. Some of these songs aren’t praising God, they are praising me because I am praising God. Counted 21 “I’s in one the other day. “Let Us Ride” makes me want to run away. “Hop on the Bus” is a major mental health challenge. We sing one called “There is no God.” That sounds odd, doesn’t it?